Wednesday, September 1, 2010

One of Those Ones That's Kind of Serious, But Also Has a Goat.



has exactly as much purpose on this Earth as I do.

I'm not saying that in a woe-is-me, self-wallowing way.  It's the opposite, really.  I was being all woe-is-me, self-wallowy because I'm confused at work and the boy I like doesn't like me back enough to make anything even remotely resembling an effort to find out how fucking amazing I am and I'm sometimes fairly certain I am the single most annoying person on the planet even though my friends say I'm not and also because I can't find my Phillips head screwdriver and I really need it for something.  So I did what I do sometimes when I feel like shit:  I looked up pictures of retarded goats on the Internet.  Retarded goats make me laugh, and he's my favourite.  I call him Goat.

Today, I was looking at Goat and laughing because LOOK AT HIS TONGUE!!!  Bahahahahaha!!! and I realized that Goat and I aren't all that different.

The similarities between Goat and I don't stop at our freakishly long tongues, either.  We both get up in the morning, do stuff throughout the day, then go to sleep at night.  Then we both do that the next day and the next day and the next day, until we die.  If Goat and I had never existed, the world probably wouldn't be all that much different than it is now.  Neither one of us has done anything miraculous or Earth-shattering.  Neither one of us has ever cured a disease or saved a life or written a book.  Neither Goat nor I know how to use a set of headphones without absent-mindedly wrapping the cord around the arm of our chair at work and tearing the headphone jack out of its little hole EVERY DAMN DAY.  Actually, you know what?  Goat probably CAN do that.  Goat: 1, Melanie: 0.

Goat and I both have jobs.  I do my job, Goat does his.  (Goat's job is to eat stuff and crap it out in Raisinette-form.  In my job, the crap comes out of my mouth.)

Goat and I both have lower-body urges toward the opposite gender.  Unlike Goat, I rarely act them out in the middle of a field in front of a group of kids spending the day at the petting zoo.

Goat and I both need the same things to live: oxygen ... food (I like burgers, Goat likes grass and - from the looks of him - the odd pot plant growing within reach of his pen) ... sleep.

Goat and I both want certain things to make life worth living: nice weather ... a warm, dry place to sleep ... other creatures like us to hang out with.

Goat and I both get sick, both get better, and both have ass-backwards days.  We both get bored, both have too much to do, and both occasionally get our faces jammed between fence rails (him literally, me metaphorically.  Except for one time when it was literally.)

And again, the world would not be all that different if Goat and I had never existed.

Except for one thing.

I like Goat.  He's silly and kinda cute and makes me laugh when I feel like a bag of smashed-up balls.  I don't think either one of us has a purpose in the grander scheme of things, or either one of us will ever do anything to make the whole world a different place, but I know that Goat did something for me today.  He made me realize that maybe we don't need people to tell us what we mean to them.  I've never even met Goat, so how could I explain to him how much he makes me laugh, or how he can make me feel better when I don't really feel like feeling better?

So I guess Goat has changed the world, a little bit.  Guess that means maybe I have, too.

If I can like a retarded goat with his head jammed in a fence who I've never actually laid eyes on and who probably smells like all of the shit, then it's not that hard to believe that people like me. I mean, hell -- I hardly smell like shit at all.

I know I'm not the only one who feels useless sometimes.  I have friends who feel the same way, and it sucks and it hurts and it makes you angry with yourself and everyone else and it's sad.  I just hope everyone who ever feels like that (including me) realizes that we're just like Goat: Yeah, we'll probably never change the world......but we're pretty fucking cool.  I know some people who are wonderful Goats in my life, and I hope that I'm a Goat to them.

It just occurred to me that picture of Goat has been on the Internet for a long time.  He's probably dead.



Noa said...

honored to video tape the goat u have on ur post :)

Being the Comedian said...

Seriously! That's too cool! This goat has given me hours of joy :)