Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Would Like For My Balls to Be Pink

Holy CRAP.

I have been trying for the last half hour to write something even remotely post-able.  It is all SHIT.  If it's not totally whiny and pathetic, then it's full-on crazy and terrifying.  "Boo hoo -- won't somebody fix me?  Waaaaaaaaaah."  "BLARGH ARGH BOOGLE -- I'M GONNA GO EAT BABIES!!!"

Lettuce helps in the digestive process.

So now I have four unpublishable half-posts and 30 wasted minutes that I could have spent doing something productive like wondering what the sweet fuck I'm supposed to be doing.  Because I don't have one goddamn bloody idea.  Sleeping?  Probably.  Making lunch?  Wouldn't be the worst idea ever.  (No baby-sammidges, I promise.  I'm totally out of babies.)  Deleting the posts I've written so far today so no one will ever see them and I won't end up locked in an out-of-the way hospital ward where hopefully someone will remember to come change my big-girl diaper every week or so?  YES.

I think mostly I just want, like, a hug or something.  Because I'm bored and annoyed and stuff didn't work out today the way I intended it to and I got aggravating news about shit that I can't do a frigging thing about and try as I might, I can't do anything even half-right this afternoon. I dunno.  I don't really like people touching me, but that's what I feel like I need today.  A hug.

From him.

Hugs are good.  I'm learning that.  And I'm learning that none of us get enough or give enough of them.  A little while ago, I had this big epiphany and I was going to hug at least one person a day and I made it my Facebook status (which is basically like enacting a law) and it was going to make me allllll better and I was going to always be happy and cheerful because YAY!  HUGS!!! and then I did it for, like, a week, and then I stopped.  Because it seemed creepy.  And also because I forgot.

Everyone makes such a big deal out of talking and expressing 'feelings' and blardy-blar-blar, but we kind of forget about how nice it is to just get a kind smile or a hand on our arm or a hug.

From this guy.

I don't know about you, but a lot of the time, words don't work.  Words just give me something to try to figure out, because heaven forbid I just believe what someone is saying to me.  "Everything will be fine" probably means "You're screwed."  Or "You're crazy."  Or "I'm only saying this so you will shut up and go away because mostly right now I want to go to Science School and become a scientist and learn how to make balls grow on women so I can punch you in your balls."

I would like for mine to be pink, please.

Hugs are better.  You can't second-guess a hug or over-think a hug or dissect a hug.  But I suppose sometimes you could get a cold from a hug or possibly head lice.  Most of my friends don't look like they have head lice though, so I'm not too worried about it.  Most of them.  And sometimes people are afraid to hug because they don't want to seem weird or have it taken the wrong way.  And sometimes I start sentences with the word 'and,' even though that's grammatically retarded.

What about this guy?  Can I have a hug from this guy?

This is getting rambly, but I can't imagine that's really a fucking surprise. (See: everything I have ever written.)  I can't figure out if this is me trying to teach an important life lesson using humour and pictures of hot guys and pink testicles, or me trying to type some of the stupid out of my brain, or me just blabbering on about whatever crud is running through my head, or me being tired and perhaps I only think I'm typing words but all you will see is "aiweuhfdmusfaiq834kqjfgvgr ggdderlwd;'rieumdms," or maybe I really just don't want to do laundry, and I'm justifying my laziness with "What?  I'm busy expressing myself.  That's waaaaaaaay more important than having clean clothes to wear tomorrow.  My friends won't care if I stink."

Come to think of it, maybe they do.  Maybe that's why I'm hug-deprived.....

Nope.  I think maybe hugs are just going extinct.  I think touch in general is at the very least an endangered species.  They way we interact with each other is much more different than it used to be.  Touching is bad.  We don't even want kids kissing each other on the playground, for fucksake.  I can remember holding hands with my best friend when I was little.  Just walking around, holding hands.  Running up and hugging her each time I saw her for the first time any given day.  Watching TV at her house and putting my head on her shoulder just because.  Can't do that now.  We grow up, and it becomes weird.

I've lost interest in this.  I'd delete it, but it's the only thing I've written today that makes any sense (unless I'm right about only thinking I'm writing words, in which case I hope you've at least gotten a good laugh out of it) plus I think somewhere in the midst of Don Draper and pink balls and eating babies I've made something almost point-like, so I'm going to post it.  Take from it what you will.  Ask someone for a hug.  Give someone a hug.  Picture Don Draper with bright pink balls.  Call the people with the long-armed white coats and send them to my house.  Whatever.  I'd looking fucking HOT in a straight jacket.  Plus, it's just like giving yourself a big, crazy hug :)

See?  Happy!

Also, why don't more of you people look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Don Draper?  And how come NONE of you have bright pink balls?  You all suck ass.


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