Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, as written by an old-timey poet.

Hark, hear this, my tale now
of my life
and how it improved out of great strife.
I will tell you, in four stanzas
as you sit there
of events that led to my crowning
as the Prince of Bel-Air.

The west of Philadelphia
is where I was reared.
Out in the play yard with my good chums,
My mom nowhere near.
Running and playing
and laughing, Oh ho!
Frolicking with a net and ball
near my small home.
When some ruffians came
spoiling for a fight,
said bad words, threw their fists, it wasn't right.
I was drawn into their ways, my mother was scared,
and sent me to live with family I barely knew in Bel-Air.

I waited for the carriage,
and as it drew near
I dreaded starting fresh,
I wanted to stay here.
But if anything, I knew this opportunity was rare,
So aboard the carriage I climbed
and headed for Bel-Air.

We arrived at the manor
shortly after eight.
I tipped the carriage driver, and he continued on his way.
I took in the expanse, approached the door with great care,
Not knowing I would soon be crowned the Prince of Bel-Air.

Punchable Offences: The Human Interaction Edition

As I laid out in the previous post, we're taking a look over the next little while at things you should be allowed to punch people for, no questions asked. Now that we have the Punchable Offences of Facebook out of the way, let's tackle the thing we did before we had Facebook: Human Interaction.

Human interaction is when you see someone in person and talk to them aloud with words. It's like Facebook, only with fewer spelling mistakes, 100% fewer photos that you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror, and more things that make you want to punch people in the head.

1. This Conversation is Not About You. Lars: "I was in a car wreck last night. I was hit head-on by a Mack truck and both my arms are broken and my left eyeball fell out and one of the paramedics stepped on it. I will have to wear an eye patch for the rest of my life." Hilda: "I saw a car wreck once. I'm still traumatized by it. My dad drives a Mack truck. Did you see how toned the muscles on my arms are? I've been doing a lot of push-ups. I met a paramedic once, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. One time, I dressed up like a sexy pirate for Hallowe'en, and I wore a diamond-studded eye patch." Punch that bitch in the face. Although, that will just give her ANOTHER story to tell the next time someone brings up being punched in the face. In which case, you can punch her in the face again. It's a vicious cycle, but it's the law.

2. ON MY GOD MY LIFE SUCKS SO HARD ALL OF THE TIME. No, it doesn't. Do you live indoors? Do you have at least five days worth of clothes? Did you eat something today that wasn't flies? Then your life doesn't suck. Oh, wait -- your boss won't let you leave work early to get a manicure? Your mean old landlord expects you to pay the rent on time? THAT GUY WORKING AT THE COFFEE SHOP TOTALLY IGNORED YOU AND YOUR BRAND NEW 'FRESH SPRING PEACH' LIPGLOSS YOU GOT JUST FOR HIM TO SEE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PUT OUT A SMALL FIRE ON THE PANINI-SQUASHING GRILL???? You're right - your life sucks. I'm going to go call Amnesty International RIGHT NOW. Kidding. PUNCH.

3. Giggling. Are you a girl under the age of 10? No? THEN DON'T FUCKING GIGGLE, or I will punch the giddiness right out of your head.

4. I am so totally fat/ugly/stupid and that is why no one likes me. Yeah, probably. And they like you less because you're always talking about it. Here is a punch for your fat/ugly/stupid face.

5. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET EVERYONE TO LOOK AT ME????? Apparently, you have to scream, laugh too loud, yell at people you recognize when they're still a thousand yards away, scream some more, throw a few squeals in for good measure, come up with retarded nicknames for people that you holler as loud as possible every time they are in the same area code as you are, barge into any conversation that happens anywhere near you, repeatedly reference inside jokes that are so inside only you understand them, and touch everyone at least three times every 10 minutes. SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR PUNCH LIKE A MAN.

6. The Girl With the Far Away Eyes. This is the human interaction equivalent of the "I'm So Sad, Ask Me Why" Facebook status. It starts with a sigh. Then a slight tilt of the head to the left or right, followed by usually another tiny, sad sigh. Glassy eyes are frequently involved. Often, some idiot who doesn't understand that THIS IS A TRAP, will ask "what's wrong?" "Oh, nothing." Good. Then shut the fuck up and stop sitting there like everyone and everything you have ever loved was just pushed into a cement mixer full of knives.

7. Talking over people. No clever title for this one. No funny examples. I just REALLY fucking hate this. A lot. I firmly believe people who do this frequently truly do not give a shit about anything anyone but them has to say. Unfortunately, the people who tend to do this are usually the least interesting, least intelligent bags of dicks I have ever met. I might actually start punching people for this one, come to think of it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Punchable Offences: The Facebook Edition

This is the first in a continuing series of behaviours and actions that you should be allowed to punch people for. Full-on, knuckles to the teeth, nosebleed-inducing punches.

Today, we will delve into the world of Facebook -- a world filled to the brim with Punchable Offences. Without further delay..........

1. Any status update that is meant to garner attention along the lines of "Oh no! What's wrong? Why are you so saaaaaaaad?" Are you sad because your 19th step-cousin three-times removed that you met once when you were 9-years-old got hit by a meteor while reading a calculus text book while laying in a grassy field in Guam? Then type that. Do not type "Gomer feels like the rug has been ripped out from under his feet. Why OH WHY does God have to tear you out of my life??? WHYYYYYYYY???????" I will punch you in your face.

2. Posting photos that you have decorated with swirly, misspelled text to show the world how much fun "u and ur gurls" had at the bar. Or how you and your backwards-hat-wearing brown-toothed true love that you met last week will be "2gethr 4evr." Or how even though you're all by yourself in a photo you obviously took of your own reflection in the bathroom mirror because you are a giant fucking LOSER, you're still "2 good 4 all you h8rs." Aaaaaaaaand.....PUNCH.

3. Status updates that consist of 135 hearts you made by using "<" and "3" because you are so CLEVER and SMART and everyone will wonder HOW YOU DID THAT. Hey, asshole -- we all know how to do that. We just don't. Because we don't want to get punched in the face.

4. Posting lists of questions you want your friends to answer so you can learn all about them. Lists which are nothing but thinly-disguised self-indulgent attempts to force everyone you know to learn about HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU'VE KISSED! or how YOU SKINNY-DIPPED THIS ONE TIME! or how you REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THE RED M&Ms BECAUSE THE FIRST BOY YOU EVER DID LOVE REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED THE RED M&Ms TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mega-Punch.

5. Fish-face photos. Just please stop doing that. Please. I will punch your lips right back into their proper position if you don't.

6. Re-posting the same status update over and over and over again because no one responded to it the first time, which means they probably didn't see it, so I'll just post it again and again until they do and reply to me because what I am posting is so very important. No, shitbrick-- it's not. It's not important, it's not interesting, and no one has responded to it because they don't give a shit about what you have to say. PUNCH.

7. Your/you're/there/they're/their/we're/were/punch/punch/punch/punch/PUNCH.

8. Lame and obvious attempts to make a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband realize what a HORRIBLE MISTAKE they made letting you go. "Brunhilda is livin' life HER way and don't need you no more -- oh yeah, you coulda had this, muthafukka!" The only thing this tells people is that the poor bastard should have left you sooner. Boom-shaka-laka-PUNCH.

9. Go over every single photo you have ever posted of yourself. Make a chart: Column One is photos someone else took of you. Column Two is photos where your forearm is clearly visible because you took the photo yourself. Put check marks in each column until you have gone through every single photo. If there are more photos in Column Two than there are in Column One, you will be punched. And I will take a photo of it.