Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Few Things I've Noticed Over the Last 30 Years

Atheists don't get mad if you tell them there IS a god.

I have never seen news footage of PETA protesting leather clothing while standing outside of a biker bar.

I've never heard a gay person say "gross!" when they see a hetero couple kiss.

People who throw fits over the phrase "Happy Holidays" don't throw fits when wrestlers use Bible passages to market themselves. See: Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I checked, and there is no rule in the English language that states putting a "c" or a "k" after an "s" magically switches the letters around. "Escape." "Ask." "Retard."

If you see someone smoking, it is acceptable to tell them they are killing themselves. If you see someone cramming greasy burgers down their throat, it is not. (These are things I've NOTICED, not things I UNDERSTAND.)

If pictures on Facebook are a reflection of reality, 95% of women under the age of 30 are always making a sexy-kissy face.

People who spit while they are outdoors do not spit while they are indoors.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Random Schmandom.

Cockward (noun, CAWK-wurd): Awkward feeling associated with a man's crotchal-region. Example: "I got busted checking out this other dude's package in the men's room. It was a very cockward situation.)

What does it say about this world that reporters are forced to write and news anchors are forced to read stories reminding people of the following things:

1) You should wash your hands after you pee
2) You should turn the lawnmower/snowblower off before you stick your hand in it to pull something out
3) Ice is a bad thing to ride your snowmobile on, unless you live in Nunavut or want your smooshy corpse found barely contained in your snowmobile suit by drunk fishermen next July

Canada is the plain girl. The U.S. is our hot friend. The guys (terrorists) aren't interested in sleeping with us (blowing us up.) They just hang out with us (hide in Canada) so they can get to (blow the shit out of) our hot friend.

Canada is also the weird, probably-'tarded kid on the playground. No one really wants to hang out with us because we eat squeeze-cheese sandwiches and smell like wet socks, but if you beat us up, the whole world will think you're a total tool.