Monday, September 27, 2010

I Do Not Know if These People are Good At or Bad At Dying.

I'm going to tell you right now NOT TO READ THIS if you have problems with the words "horse" "fuck" and "ass" being used in the same sentence more than just that one time.  I'm super-duper not kidding about this.  It's not often I get an opportunity to use the words "horse" "fuck" and "ass" in the same sentence, so I'm going full-bore with this.  Consider yourself warned.


The guy who owns the company that makes Segways died this past weekend by Segwaying his Segway off a cliff.

Nothing is funnier than that.  NOTHING.  Well, not today, anyway.  I'm sure some moron somewhere will top that epically ironical feat sometime really soon.  Until then, I'm going to laugh at that poor man's death pretty much consistently for the rest of today.  I truly hope that, as he was losing his battle with gravity, he had a moment to realize just how hard a good chunk of the world's population was going to laugh when they found out how he bit it.

After laughing at this poor man's death for a length of time that can only be described as "psychotic," I started to feel bad.  Not because he died.  Not because I laughed at it.  Because it is not even close to the most embarrassing death ever.  I don't know what the most embarrassing death ever is, but these three have got to be high on the "Fuck -- REALLY?  This is How I'm Going to Fucking Die?" List.

(And I'm serious about the "horse" "fuck" and "ass" thing.  Really, really serious.  If you don't want to read it, you'd better stop after these next two stories.)

Let us consider the case of wrestler Mal "King Kong" Kirk.  1987.  Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree (who the fuck thinks up these names?) does the "Belly Splash" onto Kirk.  The "Belly Splash" is exactly what you think it is, unless you think it is what I thought it was after watching an "art film" in the Internet this one time.  I guess sometimes a thing can be two things, as in the case of the "Belly Splash."

So, yeah -- Kirk gets smooshed, Kirk gets heart attack, Kirk gets dead.

"King Kong" Kirk died while wearing tight man-panties.  With another man in tight man-panties laying on top of him.  A man named Shirley.  Who had just done something to him called the "Belly Splash."

(One more story til the horse thing.  Really.  It's right after this one.  I'm probably not going to warn you again.  But just so you know, the horse wins in the story.  The horse.  Totally.  Wins.)

Michael Anderson was convicted of murder in 1983, and sentenced to death by electric chair in South Carolina.  Lucky for him, the people who decide not to execute people who are sentenced to be executed decided not to execute him.

Too bad he was a fucking moron. what Michael Anderson would hear people say, if he weren't dead from being a fucking moron.

While sitting in his cell, on a metal toilet, he tried to wire something up on his TV.  Cut to screaming spasms and the foul stench of fried ass hair.

(Ok.  Last warning.  It's the horse thing.  Again, the horse was fine.  Probably.  I mean, depending on how you look at it, the horse pretty much had nothing bad happen to him at all.  I think he might even have had a pretty awesome day, for a horse.  Plus, the bad guy is dead, so the horse came out on top, I think.  The previous sentence will be extra funny once you finish reading this next story.)

In 2005, a man named Kenneth Pinyan in Seattle, Washington, died after he LET A HORSE FUCK HIS ASS.

His ASS.


Because some horses like to give, and some horses like to take.

And then he died.  Because of how very, very much he deserved to.

So, see, Segway Guy -- your death isn't that bad.  No one flattened you while wearing underpants.  Your ass didn't catch fire.  And your death didn't even involve one single horse dong.  Go gentle into that good night, Segway Guy.  Go gentle into that ironic, retarded good night.


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