|Fuck you. Meet my shoe.|
Lots of people are afraid of spiders, so I won't have you judge me for it. Yes, I know they are smaller than me. As I have told people many times, so are grenades, bullets and Mila Kunis -- but I'm pretty sure they could all fucking kill me. Don't believe me? Watch "American Psycho 2" and see what she does to William Shatner.
|Nothing good happens after a hot chick rubs William Shatner's shoulders. Ever.|
Spiders: The Mila Kunises of bugs -- tiny, spindly legs, and hanging from a web outside my front door.
|This is my mother's fault.|
The Stephen King miniseries "It" aired on television in 1990. I was 11. My mom let me watch it. She shouldn't have done that. Now I can't walk by fairs, costume shops, or John Wayne Gacy without going into high-alert. "It" also triggered a series of what I call Sub-Phobias: bathroom sink drains, showers at the gym, red balloons, those weird culvert-y things in fields, and that big mole on John Boy Walton's face.
This is what most people see when they see a squirrel:
|Awww! He's eating a wittle peanut!|
This is what I see:
|HOW'S YER FACE TASTE???|
I have no explanation for why this is.
Open Closet Doors
Why? Because I'm pretty sure this is in there:
|If the door's closed, it can't get out and crawl inside me while I sleep.|
|I don't like that this ever existed.|
After I saw "Jurassic Park," I slept with a blanket pulled over and wrapped around my head except for my nose so I could breathe. FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. Because Jeff Goldblum says they can't see you if you don't move, and I didn't want the flickering back-and-forth of my eyeballs under my eyelids when I was dreaming to tip one off.
Know what's real?
|This fucking thing.|
I didn't know this existed until recently. I didn't have an opinion on deer until then. Then i started to wonder.....why would a deer need fangs? I'm not asking that in a funny way. I really want to know, You should want to know, too.