Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Things That Make Me Pee In My Pants

What do spiders, clowns, squirrels, open closet doors, dinosaurs and deer have in common?  Nothing.  Unless you're me.


Fuck you.  Meet my shoe.

Know what I learned today?  People are assholes.  Like, if you're writing a blog about your completely frigging effed-up phobias, and one of those phobias is spiders, and you go to Google Images and do a search for 'cute spider' so you can illustrate your phobia to others without seeing something that makes you pee pure liquid fear, more than half the pictures that come up are not cute spiders.  The Worldwide Douche Contingent apparently thinks it's funny to save a picture with the name 'cute spider,' when in reality, it's a picture of something that just crawled out of Satan's dick.

Lots of people are afraid of spiders, so I won't have you judge me for it.  Yes, I know they are smaller than me.  As I have told people many times, so are grenades, bullets and Mila Kunis -- but I'm pretty sure they could all fucking kill me.  Don't believe me?  Watch "American Psycho 2" and see what she does to William Shatner.

Nothing good happens after a hot chick rubs William Shatner's shoulders.  Ever.

Spiders: The Mila Kunises of bugs -- tiny, spindly legs, and hanging from a web outside my front door.


This is my mother's fault.

The Stephen King miniseries "It" aired on television in 1990.  I was 11.  My mom let me watch it.  She shouldn't have done that.  Now I can't walk by fairs, costume shops, or John Wayne Gacy without going into high-alert.  "It" also triggered a series of what I call Sub-Phobias: bathroom sink drains, showers at the gym, red balloons, those weird culvert-y things in fields, and that big mole on John Boy Walton's face.


This is what most people see when they see a squirrel:

Awww!  He's eating a wittle peanut!

 This is what I see:


I have no explanation for why this is.

Open Closet Doors

 Why?  Because I'm pretty sure this is in there:

If the door's closed, it can't get out and crawl inside me while I sleep.


I don't like that this ever existed.

After I saw "Jurassic Park," I slept with a blanket pulled over and wrapped around my head except for my nose so I could breathe.  FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.  Because Jeff Goldblum says they can't see you if you don't move, and I didn't want the flickering back-and-forth of my eyeballs under my eyelids when I was dreaming to tip one off.


Know what's real?

This fucking thing.

I didn't know this existed until recently.  I didn't have an opinion on deer until then.  Then i started to wonder.....why would a deer need fangs?  I'm not asking that in a funny way.  I really want to know,  You should want to know, too.


No comments: