Sunday, March 13, 2011

Identifying a Stupid: A Guide to Recognizing the Idiots that Walk Among Us

Disclaimer: I am aware that writing a rant inspired by the incorrect pronunciation of a word during a news story about a horrible tragedy makes me a douche bag.  I do not care.

There is a news guy on my TV right now who I rather like.  He seems to know what the hell he's talking about most of the time, and also gives the slight impression he might be a bit demented.  He has nice hair as well.  These three things generally combine to create a newscaster I enjoy watching.  But today he fucked up, and now I think he might be a Stupid.

He was speaking about the earthquake in Japan and the subsequent tsunami -- specifically, what's happening at a nuclear power plant in Japan.  Or, as he called it, a nuculear power plant.  THAT IS NOT A FUCKING WORD.  NUCULEAR IS NOT A WORD NO IT'S NOT SHUT UP.  If you see a clear sky, you do not say "Ooh!  Look at that beautiful culear sky!  That sky is so culear!  I could stare at that culear sky for hours and hours and hours because I am a Stupid, and staring at things for hours and hours and hours is what my slow and stupid brain likes to do!"  You can't just put letters into words that weren't there before.  You're not in charge of words.  I can understand if the word is weird and you maybe haven't heard it said out loud before (phlegm, facetious) or if you have been hit repeatedly in the back of the head with a shovel for some reason, but if you are a regular, everyday, normally-educated person and the word looks like this: NUCLEAR, then I cannot think of any reason for you to say NUCULEAR other than you're a Stupid.

Your brain is seeing and then saying a letter THAT IS NOT THERE.  You are hallucinating a letter.  This also applies to: cavalry, especially, ask, escape, February, library, Arctic, jewelry and realtor.

The inability to see and then say a word that SOUNDS EXACTLY AS IT IS SPELLED is not the only way to identify a Stupid.  There are millions of ways, and I can't possibly list them all, but I'm going to point out a few of the ones that drive me the most insane.

Inability to retain information pertaining to major events

Actual conversation I had with an actual person within the last five years (not verbatim, but close enough)

Person: "I love Johnny Cash."
Me: "Yeah, he was good."
Person: "I'd love to see him perform live someday."
Me: "That would be terrifying."
Person: "Why?"
Me: "Because he's been dead since 2003, and if you ever see him perform live that means he is a zombie and we are all fucked."
Person: "Really?"
Me: falls over unconscious and twitching from the sheer stupidity of conversation.

I assume this person (who, sadly, I am related to) is a Johnny Cash fan.  I make this assumption based on the fact that she said she loves Johnny Cash.  She enjoys his music so much that she would like to see him perform live.  Yet she does not know that this musician, WHO SHE LOVES, is dead.  Even people who don't like Johnny Cash know he's dead.  Even people who would, if they had the chance, drop Johnny Cash from a tall building even if it meant he'd land on and crush a velvet-lined basket of adorable orphaned puppies as he plummeted to his death know that Johnny Cash is dead.  But not this fucktard.  Nope.  No damn idea.  I could understand if we were talking about the producer of a documentary about the life and times of the rare Indonesian Rice Mouse (I made that up, don't bother Googling it) because who the fuck would know/care about that guy, but a major recording artist of whom you are a self-described fan?  Yeah, maybe you should know he's dead.  Just a thought.

Lack of understanding of how simple things happen/do not happen

I know someone who did not know you could buy clothes hangers at stores.  She thought they "came with the house."  She was Paris Hilton before Paris Hilton was Paris Hilton.  A Stupid ahead of her time.


(exemption for those with colds/allergies/no nostrils)

If you breathe with your gaping maw hanging open, then you are so stupid that even your basic, instinctual bodily functions and abilities do not work properly.  Also, you are fucking gross.

Inability to recognize a fact even after that fact has been proven

Remember when the remake of Godzilla came out?  Yeah, that movie was terrible.  Whoever made that movie should be fired out of a cannon into a brick wall decorated with the severed limbs of his or her favourite people.  Despite that, the soundtrack wasn't too bad.  I even bought it.  There's a Puff Daddy/P-Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs/I Don't Fucking Care Anymore What His Name Is song on there that samples Led Zeppelin's 'Kashmir.'  Jimmy Page was OK with that (even approved it, the big jerk) but that's besides the point.  The problem here is that a generation of Stupids grew to believe that this abortion of an excellent song WAS THE FIRST SONG TO USE THAT MUSIC.  Fine.  If you've never heard the original song, then that sort of makes sense.  You would have no way of knowing that Puff Douchey's 'song' samples part of a good song if you had never listened to Led Zeppelin.  But when someone tells you that Puff Dickbag did not come up with that hook, and then plays you 'Kashmir' on a CD that clearly states on the back of the CD case that it came out in 1974, and then goes on the Internet and shows you every conceivable website that proves 'Kashmir' existed DECADES before the shitty song you like, yet you STILL insist Puff Dingledick came up with it first, then you are a Stupid, and you deserved me flicking you in your ear and had no business whining to people that I hit you, you uppity bitch.

This is what he looks like when he poops.

Continued belief into adulthood in shit people told you when you were five

Gum does not take seven years to digest if you swallow it.  THINK, moron: Your stomach can digest steak.  It can digest meat-gristle (but please don't eat that -- it's really disgusting when people eat that).  It can digest Pop Tarts, and Pop Tarts ARE NOT EVEN FOOD.  What magical fucking ingredients do you think gum is made of, that your stomach acid cannot break it up in less than seven years?  Sweet FUCK -- if gum is that powerful, we should really start building planes out of gum.  We should make bulletproof vests for the police and military out of gum.  We should wrap babies in gum the second they're born, protecting them until they are seven and better able to protect themselves.

Seriously, people.  It's ok.  Go ahead and swallow.....heh heh heh.

Oh relax -- it's whipped cream, you effing prude.