Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My Friend Got a Parking Ticket For No Good Fucking Reason

Job Application - Parking Meter Fuckhead

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this application to become a Parking Meter Fuckhead. We will go over your application and get back to you within 3 business days.

1. Please select the phrase that best describes you:

a) Decent Human Being
b) Incomparable Asshole
c) Shit-for-Brains
d) Giant Douche

2. How would you deal with a confrontation between yourself, and someone who is obviously right?
a) Accept that the other person is right and apologize
b) Throw a fit like a whiny little bitch
c) Tell the obviously in-the-right party that you've "already started the ticket"

3. You believe people should get parking tickets when:
a) They are parked in a no-parking zone, or the meter has run out
b) You feel like it, whether they are illegally parked or not, because you are an asshole

4. Your career goals to this point have been:
a) To do well at a job that you enjoy
b) To be a police officer, but you failed the test because you're a fucking idiot
c) To be a mall security guard because you failed the police test because you're a fucking idiot, but you failed the mall security guard test too, because you're a fucking idiot, and now you're just trying to get ahold of any power you can, regardless of how insignificant you are.

If you answered "a" to any of the above questions, please do not bother handing in this application. You are obviously a decent, mentally-functioning human being, and this job is not right for you.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Movies I Haven't Bothered to See, Because I Know I Will Hate Them

There are some rather popular movies that I have not seen, because I know I will hate them. Everyone tells me how good they are. I don't care. They either look stupid, sound stupid, or are based on something I think is stupid. I'm not saying they are stupid, I'm saying I think they're stupid. You are free to have your own opinion. Who am I to judge you for enjoying crap?

1. Spiderman, and all the little Spiderman sequels that came after it. Some might theorize that my hatred for Spiderman has something to do with my crippling fear of spiders. The same crippling fear that makes me squeal like a piggy and do that ridiculous fear-dance that is so frantic that my feet don't touch the ground for a good ten seconds. That's not why I hate Spiderman. I hate Spiderman for one very simple reason: My first exposure to Spiderman was that shitty Spiderman cartoon. The one with the reusable skylines that Spiderman just kept swinging through on his stupid Spiderman web, over and over and over and over and over. Did he not notice he was swinging by the same effing building EIGHT DAMN TIMES????? But that's not why I hate him. I hate him because in that stupid cartoon, the stupid 'spider' on his stupid Spiderman pyjamas often ONLY HAD SIX LEGS. That's not a spider. That's a tick. He's Tickman. And that is why I refuse to watch any of the Spiderman movies.

2. Titanic. Boat full of rich people sinks. Boo-fucking-hoo.

3. The Lord of the Rings. It is often said you can't judge a book by its cover. I agree. You can, however, judge a book by the stupid shit written in it. That's how I feel about The Lord of the Rings. I HATED those books. I tried to read them, I really did. I. Hated. Them. The very thought of perhaps accidentally watching a movie based on even five words out of one of those books makes me want to drown kittens.

4. Star Wars. I just can't make myself care about Star Wars. I think light sabers or whatever they're called look lame. Yoda looks like this cross-eyed inbred cat we had on the farm when I was a kid. I know a lot of you are cursing my name right now, but nothing about Star Wars appeals to me. Actually, this entry is a bit of a lie. I have seen one of the Star Wars movies. It was the one with Jar Jar Binks. I thought he was funny. I told a friend of mine that I thought he was funny. That statement was enough to convince my friend to stop trying to convince me to watch the other Star Wars movies. Apparently, liking Jar Jar Binks is the Star Wars equivalent of being retarded.

5. Harry Potter. It's about a boy who is a witch. A boy-witch. Will he grow up to be a manwitch? He plays games that are called stupid things like "Quidsplitch" or whatever. He likes a girl and he has a friend who has red hair. There are some wizards, and some of them probably die. They all go to witch-school together. He either kisses the girl, or his friend kisses the girl, or one, two or all of them die. Or none of them die, and some of them live happily ever after. Any of those things could happen. I don't particularly care.

6. Twilight. Here's how the vampires from this dreck are described on Wikipedia: "Twilight vampires have many distinct differences from other vampires that have been seen throughout history, such as not having fangs but instead strong piercing teeth, glittering in the sunlight rather than burning....." Vampires have fangs. Vampires that don't have fangs are just regular, everyday assholes that bite. Vampires do not 'glitter.' Vampires blow all to shit when the sun hits them. The way I understand it, the 'vampires' in Twilight drink animal blood, and never have to drink human blood unless they decide to. Of course, once they decide to drink human blood, nothing is ever the same, and they will always crave it. The woman who wrote this word-vomit has tried to turn vampirism into a cautionary sex tale for tweens

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

7 Things I Seriously Consider Doing Every Time it is This Effing Cold

1. Setting everything around me on fire.

2. Killing people.

3. Blasting that insane bitch on The Weather Network with liquid notrogen and smashing her frozen body to pieces with a sledgehammer every time she SMILES while talking about how effing cold it is I hate her so much I wish she would fall into a shark's mouth and the shark would eat her and poop her out into the coldest part of the ocean and then she would be absorbed in poop-form into the water and a sea monster would drink the water and then whizz her out and she would never be heard from again.

4. Moving.

5. Injecting myself with bear DNA so I can hibernate.

6. Screaming until my head explodes, showering me with my own warm brains.

7. Killing people who are bigger than me and living inside their carcass until it cools off, then repeating that until summer or until they put me in prison.

Monday, January 12, 2009

11 Things I Saw at the AC/DC Concert, in No Particular Order

1. A train.

2. An inappropriately-shirtless guy, dancing inappropriately.

3. A slutty chick's right boob on the jumbo screen.

4. A slutty chick's left boob on the jumbo screen.

5. AC/DC.

6. My mom, who is still much, MUCH cooler than me. (She actually had to tell me to stand up when the band came out, because I am lame and tend to sit down during entire rock concerts.)

7. Enough flashing devil-horn head bands to set off a seizure in every epileptic on the planet.

8. A 35-dollar hat, which I proceeded to buy because apparently I just poop out money now.

9. A giant, inflated, heavily-boobed plastic woman named Rosie.

10. Cannons.

11. My life flashing before my eyes as we tried to leave through a crowd of drunken fools stumbling like extras in a George Romero zombie movie who'd been dosed with qualuudes.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Some People Should be Beaten With Their Own Phone

I love what I do for a living. I would prefer to be repulsively wealthy, but until then, I love what I do for a living.

Except when I answer the phone.

The best way to describe many of the people who call radio station newsrooms is this: When it comes to the human body, the asshole makes more noise than the brain. These callers are no different. The ones who have valid points or normal questions speak normally, speak politely, and don't yell. The assholes make way more noise.

Of the four companies I've worked for, only one would let me tell these people off. The rest generally frown on suggesting a listener stick their own head up their ass, then crap it out onto a hot rock. When I'm unfortunate enough to answer one of these calls, I have to bite my tongue, try to be helpful, and not bang my fist on the desk hard enough for the person on the phone to hear it.

The following are real calls I have answered. I've paraphrased, of course, but will try to do them justice. Along with the description of the call, I will describe how I responded...........and how I wanted to respond.

1. Two weeks after the transit strike started, a woman called to tell me there was a transit strike going on. She asked me how long it was going to last, and how she was supposed to get her kids to school and herself to work. I thanked her for letting us know about the strike, told her we had no way of knowing how long it would last, and apologized for the hard time she was having getting around the city. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off. I hate you. I know there's a strike. I've known since the day it started -- two weeks ago. I pity your children for having such a stupid mother. Go eat some knives."

2. During the blackout a few years ago, a woman called the newsroom. She asked me what she should do about the meat in her freezer. I told her to keep the freezer shut, and it would hold in the cold longer -- thus keeping her meat fresher a little longer. (I don't really know if that's true. I was annoyed, and had to make something up fast before my eyeballs exploded. It sounded reasonably scientific.) What I wanted to say was "Eat it. It all the meat now, before it goes bad. Don't waste valuable time cooking it. Eat it all, eat it raw, get e-coli, and die."

3. Someone called once, looking for the phone number of a specific local business. I opened the phone book, found it, and passed it along. What I wanted to say was "Hey, asshole -- you had to look up the number to call me.....so why exactly couldn't you look up the number to call them???" I hope that person has a tapeworm now.

4. "My hydro is out, but my neighbours have power." Me in Real Life: "I will call the hydro company and find out what's going on." Angry Me Holed Up Inside My Head: "Did you pay your bill, asshole?"

5. This one I feel a tiny bit bad about. An old lady called to find out about a group that was collecting books for kids displaced by a hurricane. At least, I think that's what she was asking about. Hard to tell, what with the slurring. After telling her I hadn't heard of this group, she proceed to slur in my ear that she'd spent nine dollars on these books, and that she was blind. I covered the mouth piece of the phone, and quietly announced to the newsroom that someone else was going to have to take the call, because I was dangerously close to telling a kindly old lady to go fuck herself. What I really wanted to do was tell a kindly old lady to go fuck herself.

6. Roughly 7,000 people have called in the last 5 years, asking about a news story that was actually a commercial. I always explain that a sale at Bob Knob's Toyota is not a news story, and that if they have any questions, they should call Bob Knob's Toyota. What I would rather do is scream directly into the phone until my throat explodes and showers my desk with blood -- shorting out my computer and electrocuting me to death so I don't have to answer the phone anymore.

7. My favourite call came when I worked at the job before the job I work at now. A man called to explain to me just exactly how much of a dirty whore bitch I was. He made some valid points, but overall, I felt he was overreacting. Lucky for me, this was one of the newsrooms that didn't suggest I be kind (or at least non-confrontational.) I held the phone away from my ear, flipped a switch, and blasted that fucker with a screeching tone that would make your balls climb right into your chest.

Best. Call. EVER.