Monday, November 1, 2010

Can I Fix You a Shit Sandwich?

I have this thing where my brain frequently thinks thoughts that are stupid.  I think it's called "being alive."  

My most-stupid frequently-thought thought is "(blank) should not happen/I should not be expected to (blank)/(blank) is not fair, because I'm still a frigging KID."  Except I am NOT a frigging kid.  I'm 31 years old.  I'm not sure why my brain is stuck in perma-young person mode, but it is.  Maybe I'm mentally deficient.  I'm probably mentally deficient.

After having the "I'm just a kid" thought today (because someone was mean to me or I imagined someone was being mean to me, and why would they do that?  Don't they know I'm just a kid?) I gave my brain a swift, metaphorical (obviously) kick in the head, then sat quietly and pondered stuff for a while.  All that pondering has led me to the conclusion that I need to grow the fuck up and start acting like a grown-the-fuck-up person.

Sure is a good thing Maury Povich exists.

So now begins the tedious task of training my brain to think like the brain of a 31-year-old woman, and not the brain of a wimpy little teenager afraid of loud noises and her own shadow and what people are thinking and also squirrels.  What better way to do that than by using goofy photos, lots of cursing and self-deprecating, often rambling humour?  Actually, there are probably a million better ways to do it, but this is the one I'm going with, so go fuck yourself if you don't like it.  

And with that, I present to you: Shit I Know Now That I'm in My 30's (a.k.a. Grow Up and Deal With it, You Turd) feat. T-Pain.

Because everything's more awesome when it feat.'s T-Pain.

1.  'Cheerios' aren't a supper food.  In the same vein, 'Absolutely Nothing' isn't a breakfast food.  And it is not acceptable to have three cookies and a pen lid for lunch.

2.  People can see the dirt you've swept into a corner and hidden by leaving the broom there.

3.  Comfortable shoes are better than awesome shoes.  It doesn't matter, and I will still continue to wear awesome shoes instead of comfortable ones, but at least I know I'm an idiot for doing it.

4.  You shouldn't lie to people who trust you.  Even little tiny lies that you think you're telling for the right reasons. Even lies you think you are telling to protect yourself or someone else.  That's not to say I think you should run around confessing your dirtiest little secrets (I'd be fucked with a harpoon to the moon and back if I did that) but if someone who trusts you asks you a question, you should answer it, and you should answer it with the truth.

5.  Underwear goes under your clothes.  Always.

6.  If a pillow isn't comfortable enough to lay your head on, you don't need it.

7.  Sometimes, people have other stuff to do.  Don't be sad if that stuff keeps them from being around.  It's OK.  They still like you.

8.  Sometimes, YOU have other stuff to do.  Don't put your life on hold every single time someone needs something.  It's OK.  You still like them.

9.   Porn isn't a bad thing.

10.  But tequila is.

11.  There's a fairly good chance 95% of the people you talk to each day don't give a shit about what you're saying.  And be honest -- you don't care about most of what they have to say, either.

12.  Posters of musicians stop being acceptable bedroom decor the second you move out of your parents' house. Which is why I took down my Who and Rolling Stones posters.  (About a month ago.)

13.  Furry cheese is still good.  Just peel the fur off.

14.  Some people aren't people you need to be friends with.  You might not like them.  They might not like you.  Or you might like them, but being friends with them does not make you happy most of the time.  Stop hanging out with those people, even if it makes you sad for a little while.

15.  Ice cube trays don't fill themselves.  Which is why I buy ice by the bag at the convenience store.

16.  Sometimes, you will do bad stuff.  Sometimes, when you do that bad stuff, you won't feel bad about it.  Did anyone die?  No?  Then don't worry about it.

17.  Buying celery is pointless if you don't eat it.

18.  Crying about something probably won't fix it.

19.  If you briefly forget you're a grown-up and you do something shitty to someone, say you're sorry.  And forgive yourself.  You didn't mean it.

20.  Most of the people around you don't always remember they're grown-ups, either.  If they do something shitty to you, forgive them.  They're sorry.  They didn't mean it.

So that's the list.  I don't really think it's my strongest work, but I like it anyway.  If you like it, feel free to print it off and make it into a needlepoint picture and frame it and hang it in your bathroom.  If you don't like it, feel free to eat a shit sandwich.

Well of COURSE I was going to find a picture of a shit sandwich.  Duh.