Thursday, July 24, 2014

Drowned Squirrels, Porn*, and Grocery Tetris: Why My Uterus Should Not Matter to You

Sometimes I really want yogurt, but I also don't want to move my jaw very much. So I buy that liquid-drinkable-yogurt that is probably mostly poison. A recent trip to the grocery store that included the purchase of the poison yogurt drink led to a discussion about my uterus. Sort of.


The Comedian approaches checkout, places items on conveyor belt that always smells like onions and usually has hair stuck to it. The Comedian plays Grocery Tetris while Old Lady in front of her tries to remember how Interac works. (For the uninitiated, Grocery Tetris is an important game I play where I place all of my groceries in as little space as possible. If I don't do that, something horrible will happen, similar to how horrible things will happen if I buy even numbers of things or don't lock my car doors three times in a row.)

Old Lady finally remembers four numbers, leaves with Ensure and every prune in the store.

CASHIER: How are you today?

THE COMEDIAN: Fine, thanks. How are you?

CASHIER: It's Friday!

***THE COMEDIAN does not kill woman for answering question with unrelated answer***

CASHIER: (scans poison yogurt drink) Getting this for the kids?

THE COMEDIAN: Nope. They're for me. I don't have any kids.

***THE COMEDIAN immediately realizes she has made a horrible mistake***

CASHIER: Oh well! There's still time!

The rest of the conversation is unimportant. I also don't remember most of it, because I was thinking of really shitty things to say to the cashier. Most of them involved how she could fuck right off.

Before I get the usual WHY DO YOU HATE KIDS?????? comments -- I don't. I like them just fine. I like lots of things. Horses. Swimming pools. Porn. But I don't want horses or swimming pools. I do not want to be responsible for keeping them alive or getting drowned squirrels out of them. I like horses and swimming pools better when they are other people's horses and swimming pools. And I like kids better when they are other people's kids.

What pisses me off THE ABSOLUTE MOST is when people act like my life is missing something because I don't have kids. I guess technically they're right -- my life is missing the unhappiness I would feel if I had kids. Luckily, my life is also missing the unhappiness my non-existent kids would have if I had kids. Again -- I have no problem whatsoever with the existence of children. I know several children that I like an awful lot. I. Just. Don't. Want. To. Have. Any. And I'm sick as fuck of people who push their noses up my ass about it.

How about we try something COMPLETELY FUCKED UP and assume that I'm living my life the way I want to, and that I'm perfectly happy with it? I don't have kids ON PURPOSE. I live by myself ON PURPOSE. I don't spend five hours ripping three eyebrow hairs out of my face to attract guys ON PURPOSE. (Side note: guys don't actually give a shit about your eyebrows really. As long as you have two of them and they're more or less in about the same place on either side of your face, you're good to go.)

Perhaps those pushy, nosy shits could take a page from my mother's book. My mother is the one person who, as far as I'm concerned, is actually allowed to pick apart my life and try to move the pieces around to make it better.....but she doesn't do that, because she is not an asshole. Here, as far as I can tell, is my mom's thought process when it comes to my life:

1. Is Daughter alive? Yes.
2. Is Daughter in jail today? No.
3. Does Daughter have tattoo on face? No.

Conclusion: Daughter is fine. Leave Daughter alone.

(*Perhaps be concerned that Daughter is apparently too lazy to chew yogurt.)

*I put PORN in the title because most of the people I know like things better if there's porn.