Thursday, December 30, 2010


1.  Hi!  This is Facebook!  Your friend Blorp has tagged you in the "The Things You Should Know About Me (But This is Not Just Me Being Self-Indulgent) Questionnaire!  Do you want to do it?  No.

2.  But Blorp really wants to know about you.  Don't you want your friend to know really important things about you, like the last time you were kissed and what your favourite ice cream is?  Again, No.

3.  Bitch.  That's not a question.

4.  OK.  WHY are you such a bitch?  Because this is stupid and I don't wanna do it.

5.  Please?  For Blorp?  He took the time to tag you :(  FINE.  I will do it.  Jesus Christ.

6.  Did you read Blorp's answers yet?  No.

7.  You should.  I mean, it will help you better know your friend.  Don't you want that?  Look, I barely know the guy.  I went to high school with him or something.  I just accepted his friend request because it seemed rude not to.

8.  Oh -- and it's NOT rude to ignore something he thought was important enough to share with you?  FINE, GOD DAMMIT.  I WILL READ HIS STUPID ANSWERS.

9.  Are you done?  Did you learn all about Blorp?  Yep.  Sure did.  Now that I know what colour the death of his first pet felt like, I totally understand him.  Wow.  He's deep.

10.  Cool!  Ready to start your answers?  Sure.  Whatever.

11.  What flower do you think of when you think of the person who tagged you in this questionnaire?  The kind of flower that I allegedly sat beside in math class and haven't seen in 15 years.

12.  Have you ever REALLY loved someone?  Yes, until the drugs wore off and he woke up and started crying.

13.  What feat are you most proud of?  Not setting my computer on fire.  Yet.

14.  If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?  Whatever animal Blorp might be allergic to.

15.  If you could say one nice thing about the person who tagged you, what would it be?

16.  I said: If you could say one nice thing about the person who tagged you, what would it be?  I know what you said.  You said "IF you could say one nice thing..."  I can't.  So I didn't.

17.  Wow.  You are so not taking this seriously, are you?  I'm really not.

18.  Huh.  Guess you don't care about Blorp, then?  I really don't.

19.  Fine.  We'll skip to the last few questions.  Think you can act like a grown-up for a few more minutes and try to connect with your friend on a higher level?  Sure.  This could be fun.

20.  What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?  Hmmmm......I like lots of flavours, but I only eat ice cream recently purged by bulimics.  It's delicious.  Soft soft serve.

21.  Quit being such an asshole.  What are the first three things you see when you look around you as you type this?  A jar of peanut butter, a dog, and Blorp's naked mom.

22.  Not cool, dude.  Blorp's mom has a borderline peanut allergy. Last question - and please try to take it seriously:  What's the first thing you're going to do after you complete this questionaire?  (Hint: saying you're going to send a message to Blorp to catch up and see how he's been doing all these years and maybe invite him to meet up for coffee would be a pretty great answer!)  I'm going to block the fucker, report him for porn, then videotape whatever his mom is about to do with that dog and put it on Youtube.

23.  Thanks for taking the time to fill this out and read your friend's answers!  Now you'll get all those obscure references in the note he leaves behind!


Monday, December 13, 2010

(What I Can Only Assume Are) Actual Thoughts Had By People I Have Been Exposed to Recently

"My current employer?  The drivers of cars waiting at the red light at the St. Laurent off ramp." ~ Guy who stared in my car window for a full minute while holding a cardboard sign requesting money.

"Fuck it -- I'll just kill people with my car." ~ Everyone driving through the St. Laurent Centre parking lot Saturday.

"Fuck it -- I'll just get killed by a car." ~ Everyone walking through the St. Laurent Centre parking lot Saturday.

"This is probably where used Kleenexes go." ~ Some guy at the convenience store where I stopped to buy milk today, as he tucked a snot-rag among the chocolate bar display.

"It is a scientific fact that bathroom stalls block out the sounds that farts make." ~ Woman in the same bathroom as me.

"I'm not creepy."  ~ Guy at La Senza.  Looking at bras.  Alone.

"I'm not a douchebag." ~ Douchebag walking down the street yapping loudly and with great self-importance into his Bluetooth.

"I'm super-coordinated and don't look ridiculous." ~ Chick balancing tray holding five cups from Starbucks while talking on her cell phone.