Friday, September 3, 2010

Why Does Lorenzo Lamas Still Exist? Dolly Parton Has Giant Boobs. This is About Hurricanes.

Many of my posts over the last little while have been a little serious, which I'm totally OK with, but I think it's time for something goofy and ridiculous.  So let's make fun of hurricanes.  Devastating, horrible, violent hurricanes.

You know what I would name a hurricane?  Not Earl.  Or Teddy.  Or frigging Cristobal.  Actual hurricanes have actually been named these actual names.  Actually.  I'd go with something a little more.......kill-y.  Hurricane Trailer Launcher.  Hurricane Wind Fuck. Hurricane Death Sneeze.  I'd be much more likely to flee the area if Hurricane Tree Through Your Head were on its way to my town than I would be if forecasters told me to run away from Hurricane Dolly.  

Hurricane Dolly: Often followed by the rare Double Rainboob.

Teddy, Cristobal and Dolly are real hurricane names, by the way.  So are Mindy, Karl, Humberto (huh?) and Floyd.  Floyd killed 57 people in 1999, and the name was retired.  It was replaced with Franklin.


Since 1979 (The year I was born.  Coincidence?  Yes.) there have been six lists of names for hurricanes that rotate every six years.  They alternate boy-girl and are used alphabetically, except for the letters Q, U, X, Y and Z.  So there will never be a Hurricane Queen Latifah.  :(

Some of the names used do suit a giant death fart: Hurricane Victor.  Hurricane Bret (The Hitman OH MY GOD WHERE DID MY HOUSE GO???)  Hurricane Igor.

Winds so strong, his eyes were blown in opposite directions.

On the flipside, we have Hurricane Nana.  Hurricane Nestor.  Hurricane Joaquin.

Off!  Fuck

There are several hurricanes with the same names as people I know.  Does it make me a bad person that I hope those ones have wicked-cool death tolls?  (It does.)  Does it make it more acceptable that I want those tolls to include a certain lead singer of a certain band whose name rhymes with Dicklecrack?  (It does.)

This, but in a tree.

So, in summary, whoever picked most of the hurricane names sucks.  They should let Quentin Tarantino do it.

Also, I'm not travelling anywhere where hurricanes go in 2013.  If I die in something named Hurricane Lorenzo, I'll kill myself.

He was in Grease!  And also Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!


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