Saturday, July 10, 2010

Pyjama Pants Are NOT Outside-Clothes

You know what sucks? Moving. You know what sucks more? Moving into a neighbourhood and finding out it's crawling with a wide variety of douchebags. The following are some things to look out for that might save you from settling into a new habitat surrounded by people who never use the word 'job' without saying 'blow' before it.

1. When you are considering a new neighbourhood, call the police. Ask them if they get many calls to said neighbourhood. If the officer you're talking to starts to cry or mumble insane questions like "why is that lady doing that to that dog?" then you don't want to move there.

2. Get in your car. Drive to said neighbourhood in the middle of the day. Park. Sit there for several hours. If you see:

a) more than three people over the age of 10 walking around while wearing pyjama pants
b) more than two people riding bicycles while smoking
c) a guy wearing a Bill Cosby sweater in July sitting on a step of a random building drinking out of a paper bag, or
d) a sex shop where the only people going in are people no one on EARTH would ever even CONSIDER having sex with even if there was nuclear war and only a few people were left and they had to re-produce to keep humanity from dying out and the lizard-people from taking over and enslaving the few humans left as grub-farmers to feed their wacky lizard-people grub addiction

then you don't want to move there.

(if you see all of the above, go home, douse yourself in bleach, and get yourself checked for STDs.)

3. Does the neighbourhood have some decent stores and restaurants with one lone dollar store displaying sunglasses with rainbow-y lenses and purses made of cherry-printed plastic? Yeah, that's a front for something. Don't move there.

4. Do you see any man anywhere in the area wearing pants with flames on them? That's not a good sign.

5. Does the #14 OC Transpo bus go through the neighbourhood? Also not a promising sign.

6. How many people do you see with cellphones similar to those used in the X-Files? Sure, for that time, they were incredibly technologically advanced. So was MS-DOS. And Scully's suits had shoulder pads. And David Duchovny wasn't having sex with everything yet. Never trust or live near mass amounts of people who use cellphones older than Justin Bieber.

7. Is the apartment in Vanier? Then don't


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