Monday, July 26, 2010

Punching, Swearing and Boobs

(***DISCLAIMER*** None of the following opinions have any merit, since I do not have children, because studies have shown that if I were to have children, they would probably eat other children or at the very least scare them really badly by carving soap statues that look like their classmates then melting them with a lighter at recess, while staring blankly at what appears to be nothing, but is obviously something, or why would they be that focused on it?  And has anyone seen the class hamster?)

I hate the Parents Television Council.  My hatred starts with their name: Parents Television Council.  Now, if they were only monitoring shows aimed at children, I wouldn't give a crap what they said or did -- but they don't.  These people voluntarily watch EVERYTHING, then tell you why you shouldn't let your children watch it.  So they watch, for example, CSI.....then tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't let your kids watch CSI.  Um, how about because the entire premise of the show is murder?  Here's some helpful information, Parents Television Council: parents who will let their kids watch a show that FOCUSES ENTIRELY ON MURDER will not check your website to see if it's suitable for their children.  Logging onto your website would mean logging off of the WWE website, and that ain't gonna happen because then how would they know who will be in Saturday night's Super-Duper Ball-Punch Double-Death Match?  Plus, they don't even know what their children are watching, because it's hard to focus when you're that drunk on a Thursday night, but you're only drinking because those little brats ruined your life and you could have really been something if it weren't for them.  You could have almost finished your GED, even.  Still, these dickheads at the PTC continue to monitor and bitch about shows, often campaigning to have companies drop their sponsorships because holy shit, someone got killed on Law and Order at 9:00 last night.

So, yeah, I think they suck a whole bunch.  But their existence makes me wonder about a few things -- mainly, why do we hate swearing and boobs so much?  Violence, I understand.  Violence is bad.  Violence hurts and makes people be dead sometimes.  But swearing?  Meh.  Say this out loud: ass fuck hell damn shit.  Did anything bad happen?  Was there a knock at your door and the devil was there and he was all "Mwah ha ha!  You said ass fuck hell damn shit and now your soul is mine" and he threw a pitchfork at you and totally pinned your foot to the floor then violated you with his devil-dong?  No.  That did not happen, and if you say it did, it is because you are a liar or you are on meth or your neighbour owns a devil costume and is really weird.  Swear words do not hurt anybody.  There are worse words, but I don't need to type them here because Lethal Weapon and Kramer from Seinfeld have said them enough.  If we teach children that swear words are bad, we give power to those words that they don't deserve.  I'm not saying we should teach kids to say ass fuck hell damn shit, but by pooping ourselves every time one of them DOES say one of those words, we just make them want to swear MORE.  Do I think prime time TV dramas should start using ass fuck hell damn shit in every episode?  No.  But I also don't think kids should be watching prime time TV dramas.  Problem solved.  You're welcome.

And that brings us to boobs.  Not just boobs, but all body bits and just sex in general.  "This program may contain scenes of violence, coarse language and nudity."  We've lumped the naked human form into the same category as hitting someone in the face with a pail of hot tar.  Two characters getting their shaboink on under the covers is apparently just as bad as a character throwing darts into someone's eyes.  A shot of boob is going to destroy a child as much as a shot of a pool cue to the nuts.  In some cases, movies or shows with sexual content (I'm not talking hardcore porn here, either) receive more restrictive ratings that movies or shows with violence.  I have a theory on that: It's easier for mommy or daddy to explain why the bad man is poking shish-kabob skewers into the other man's ears than it is to explain what the lady is doing with her tongue.  "Little Jimmy, the man is peeling the other man's skin off with a knife because he is mad at him.  It is wrong.  Don't ever peel someone's skin off with a knife."  "Little Jimmy, the lady is under the blankets's kissing his...............uh................well................she's looking for her contact lens, I think.........why is she making that noise?, she' cold?  Maybe?  Never touch girls."

I don't think we should teach kids that they should run around boinking everything they see when they grow up (especially since there are so many ugly people out there) any more than I think we should be teaching them to kick the shit out of each other, but why are we raising people to believe that sex is just as bad as violence?  Maybe we should be teaching them that it's about respect and feeling good, not embarrassment and shame.  Grouping violence and sex together, making one as bad as the other when it comes to media and entertainment, says a lot about society -- and none of what it says is good.  

So I say go forth, consenting adults of the world.  Wander the Earth, looking for other (not ugly) consenting adults -- all the while hollering our battle cry: ass fuck hell damn shit! as you (responsibly) spread love and happy feelings and vulgar words and substances (which you really should clean up afterwards - don't be a slob and don't just use a sock.  Get some paper towels, for chrissake) across the globe. 

Then we will film it and make a TV show and air it in prime time.  That should keep those fuckers at the Parents Television busy for a while.


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