Saturday, July 10, 2010

Observations From the Newsroom

Even people who think cats are evil aliens sent to study us for future invasion (me) go "awwww! Poor wittle fing!" when someone finds a cat starving in a box mailed from China.

Facebook is not a news source. Not, it's not. SCREW OFF IT IS NOT. The only acceptable news-Facebook relationship is the procurement of photos of murder victims where they are seen wearing a stupid hat/drinking at a cottage/holding a puppy. (There are pictures of me on Facebook doing all these things, FYI, so you all know what to do when my death-metal-loving neighbour finally snaps and sacrifices me to The Dark Lord.)

I don't care if I say the murder's name wrong. He's a MURDERER. I'd rather focus my attention on getting the names of the victims right.

Also, the guy in Guam who holds the world record for longest middle toenail on a left foot won't be offended if I say HIS name wrong, because HE WON'T EFFING HEAR ME.

Perez Hilton is not a news source. For anything. Ever. Even if he's RIGHT and he has confirmed EVERY SINGLE THING ON HIS SHITTY WEBSITE, he is STILL NOT A NEWS SOURCE.

No matter what happens, no matter what newsroom you work in or what city that newsroom may be in, you should NEVER EVER EVER ANSWER THE PHONE. I'm not kidding. No one smart is ever going to call you. Ignore the ringing until one of your co-workers answers it.

Whatever that thing is your computer just did is something it's not supposed to do.

"Canada Day" is deceptively hard to say.

So is "No, I cannot work this weekend."

And "Hunt Club Road," if you're not really REALLY careful. (Thiiiiink about it.........that's right.)

There is an inappropriate yet hysterically funny joke about anything bad that could ever happen to anyone.

The day that you pack a full lunch is the day that Dairy Queen will send in free Blizzards.

You're not stoned. There really IS a pony downstairs.


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