Sunday, April 25, 2010

Punchable Offences: The Human Interaction Edition

As I laid out in the previous post, we're taking a look over the next little while at things you should be allowed to punch people for, no questions asked. Now that we have the Punchable Offences of Facebook out of the way, let's tackle the thing we did before we had Facebook: Human Interaction.

Human interaction is when you see someone in person and talk to them aloud with words. It's like Facebook, only with fewer spelling mistakes, 100% fewer photos that you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror, and more things that make you want to punch people in the head.

1. This Conversation is Not About You. Lars: "I was in a car wreck last night. I was hit head-on by a Mack truck and both my arms are broken and my left eyeball fell out and one of the paramedics stepped on it. I will have to wear an eye patch for the rest of my life." Hilda: "I saw a car wreck once. I'm still traumatized by it. My dad drives a Mack truck. Did you see how toned the muscles on my arms are? I've been doing a lot of push-ups. I met a paramedic once, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. One time, I dressed up like a sexy pirate for Hallowe'en, and I wore a diamond-studded eye patch." Punch that bitch in the face. Although, that will just give her ANOTHER story to tell the next time someone brings up being punched in the face. In which case, you can punch her in the face again. It's a vicious cycle, but it's the law.

2. ON MY GOD MY LIFE SUCKS SO HARD ALL OF THE TIME. No, it doesn't. Do you live indoors? Do you have at least five days worth of clothes? Did you eat something today that wasn't flies? Then your life doesn't suck. Oh, wait -- your boss won't let you leave work early to get a manicure? Your mean old landlord expects you to pay the rent on time? THAT GUY WORKING AT THE COFFEE SHOP TOTALLY IGNORED YOU AND YOUR BRAND NEW 'FRESH SPRING PEACH' LIPGLOSS YOU GOT JUST FOR HIM TO SEE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PUT OUT A SMALL FIRE ON THE PANINI-SQUASHING GRILL???? You're right - your life sucks. I'm going to go call Amnesty International RIGHT NOW. Kidding. PUNCH.

3. Giggling. Are you a girl under the age of 10? No? THEN DON'T FUCKING GIGGLE, or I will punch the giddiness right out of your head.

4. I am so totally fat/ugly/stupid and that is why no one likes me. Yeah, probably. And they like you less because you're always talking about it. Here is a punch for your fat/ugly/stupid face.

5. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET EVERYONE TO LOOK AT ME????? Apparently, you have to scream, laugh too loud, yell at people you recognize when they're still a thousand yards away, scream some more, throw a few squeals in for good measure, come up with retarded nicknames for people that you holler as loud as possible every time they are in the same area code as you are, barge into any conversation that happens anywhere near you, repeatedly reference inside jokes that are so inside only you understand them, and touch everyone at least three times every 10 minutes. SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR PUNCH LIKE A MAN.

6. The Girl With the Far Away Eyes. This is the human interaction equivalent of the "I'm So Sad, Ask Me Why" Facebook status. It starts with a sigh. Then a slight tilt of the head to the left or right, followed by usually another tiny, sad sigh. Glassy eyes are frequently involved. Often, some idiot who doesn't understand that THIS IS A TRAP, will ask "what's wrong?" "Oh, nothing." Good. Then shut the fuck up and stop sitting there like everyone and everything you have ever loved was just pushed into a cement mixer full of knives.

7. Talking over people. No clever title for this one. No funny examples. I just REALLY fucking hate this. A lot. I firmly believe people who do this frequently truly do not give a shit about anything anyone but them has to say. Unfortunately, the people who tend to do this are usually the least interesting, least intelligent bags of dicks I have ever met. I might actually start punching people for this one, come to think of it.

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