Thursday, April 22, 2010

Punchable Offences: The Facebook Edition

This is the first in a continuing series of behaviours and actions that you should be allowed to punch people for. Full-on, knuckles to the teeth, nosebleed-inducing punches.

Today, we will delve into the world of Facebook -- a world filled to the brim with Punchable Offences. Without further delay..........

1. Any status update that is meant to garner attention along the lines of "Oh no! What's wrong? Why are you so saaaaaaaad?" Are you sad because your 19th step-cousin three-times removed that you met once when you were 9-years-old got hit by a meteor while reading a calculus text book while laying in a grassy field in Guam? Then type that. Do not type "Gomer feels like the rug has been ripped out from under his feet. Why OH WHY does God have to tear you out of my life??? WHYYYYYYYY???????" I will punch you in your face.

2. Posting photos that you have decorated with swirly, misspelled text to show the world how much fun "u and ur gurls" had at the bar. Or how you and your backwards-hat-wearing brown-toothed true love that you met last week will be "2gethr 4evr." Or how even though you're all by yourself in a photo you obviously took of your own reflection in the bathroom mirror because you are a giant fucking LOSER, you're still "2 good 4 all you h8rs." Aaaaaaaaand.....PUNCH.

3. Status updates that consist of 135 hearts you made by using "<" and "3" because you are so CLEVER and SMART and everyone will wonder HOW YOU DID THAT. Hey, asshole -- we all know how to do that. We just don't. Because we don't want to get punched in the face.

4. Posting lists of questions you want your friends to answer so you can learn all about them. Lists which are nothing but thinly-disguised self-indulgent attempts to force everyone you know to learn about HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU'VE KISSED! or how YOU SKINNY-DIPPED THIS ONE TIME! or how you REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THE RED M&Ms BECAUSE THE FIRST BOY YOU EVER DID LOVE REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED THE RED M&Ms TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mega-Punch.

5. Fish-face photos. Just please stop doing that. Please. I will punch your lips right back into their proper position if you don't.

6. Re-posting the same status update over and over and over again because no one responded to it the first time, which means they probably didn't see it, so I'll just post it again and again until they do and reply to me because what I am posting is so very important. No, shitbrick-- it's not. It's not important, it's not interesting, and no one has responded to it because they don't give a shit about what you have to say. PUNCH.

7. Your/you're/there/they're/their/we're/were/punch/punch/punch/punch/PUNCH.

8. Lame and obvious attempts to make a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband realize what a HORRIBLE MISTAKE they made letting you go. "Brunhilda is livin' life HER way and don't need you no more -- oh yeah, you coulda had this, muthafukka!" The only thing this tells people is that the poor bastard should have left you sooner. Boom-shaka-laka-PUNCH.

9. Go over every single photo you have ever posted of yourself. Make a chart: Column One is photos someone else took of you. Column Two is photos where your forearm is clearly visible because you took the photo yourself. Put check marks in each column until you have gone through every single photo. If there are more photos in Column Two than there are in Column One, you will be punched. And I will take a photo of it.

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