Monday, January 18, 2010

Random Schmandom.

Cockward (noun, CAWK-wurd): Awkward feeling associated with a man's crotchal-region. Example: "I got busted checking out this other dude's package in the men's room. It was a very cockward situation.)

What does it say about this world that reporters are forced to write and news anchors are forced to read stories reminding people of the following things:

1) You should wash your hands after you pee
2) You should turn the lawnmower/snowblower off before you stick your hand in it to pull something out
3) Ice is a bad thing to ride your snowmobile on, unless you live in Nunavut or want your smooshy corpse found barely contained in your snowmobile suit by drunk fishermen next July

Canada is the plain girl. The U.S. is our hot friend. The guys (terrorists) aren't interested in sleeping with us (blowing us up.) They just hang out with us (hide in Canada) so they can get to (blow the shit out of) our hot friend.

Canada is also the weird, probably-'tarded kid on the playground. No one really wants to hang out with us because we eat squeeze-cheese sandwiches and smell like wet socks, but if you beat us up, the whole world will think you're a total tool.

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