Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Movies I Haven't Bothered to See, Because I Know I Will Hate Them

There are some rather popular movies that I have not seen, because I know I will hate them. Everyone tells me how good they are. I don't care. They either look stupid, sound stupid, or are based on something I think is stupid. I'm not saying they are stupid, I'm saying I think they're stupid. You are free to have your own opinion. Who am I to judge you for enjoying crap?

1. Spiderman, and all the little Spiderman sequels that came after it. Some might theorize that my hatred for Spiderman has something to do with my crippling fear of spiders. The same crippling fear that makes me squeal like a piggy and do that ridiculous fear-dance that is so frantic that my feet don't touch the ground for a good ten seconds. That's not why I hate Spiderman. I hate Spiderman for one very simple reason: My first exposure to Spiderman was that shitty Spiderman cartoon. The one with the reusable skylines that Spiderman just kept swinging through on his stupid Spiderman web, over and over and over and over and over. Did he not notice he was swinging by the same effing building EIGHT DAMN TIMES????? But that's not why I hate him. I hate him because in that stupid cartoon, the stupid 'spider' on his stupid Spiderman pyjamas often ONLY HAD SIX LEGS. That's not a spider. That's a tick. He's Tickman. And that is why I refuse to watch any of the Spiderman movies.

2. Titanic. Boat full of rich people sinks. Boo-fucking-hoo.

3. The Lord of the Rings. It is often said you can't judge a book by its cover. I agree. You can, however, judge a book by the stupid shit written in it. That's how I feel about The Lord of the Rings. I HATED those books. I tried to read them, I really did. I. Hated. Them. The very thought of perhaps accidentally watching a movie based on even five words out of one of those books makes me want to drown kittens.

4. Star Wars. I just can't make myself care about Star Wars. I think light sabers or whatever they're called look lame. Yoda looks like this cross-eyed inbred cat we had on the farm when I was a kid. I know a lot of you are cursing my name right now, but nothing about Star Wars appeals to me. Actually, this entry is a bit of a lie. I have seen one of the Star Wars movies. It was the one with Jar Jar Binks. I thought he was funny. I told a friend of mine that I thought he was funny. That statement was enough to convince my friend to stop trying to convince me to watch the other Star Wars movies. Apparently, liking Jar Jar Binks is the Star Wars equivalent of being retarded.

5. Harry Potter. It's about a boy who is a witch. A boy-witch. Will he grow up to be a manwitch? He plays games that are called stupid things like "Quidsplitch" or whatever. He likes a girl and he has a friend who has red hair. There are some wizards, and some of them probably die. They all go to witch-school together. He either kisses the girl, or his friend kisses the girl, or one, two or all of them die. Or none of them die, and some of them live happily ever after. Any of those things could happen. I don't particularly care.

6. Twilight. Here's how the vampires from this dreck are described on Wikipedia: "Twilight vampires have many distinct differences from other vampires that have been seen throughout history, such as not having fangs but instead strong piercing teeth, glittering in the sunlight rather than burning....." Vampires have fangs. Vampires that don't have fangs are just regular, everyday assholes that bite. Vampires do not 'glitter.' Vampires blow all to shit when the sun hits them. The way I understand it, the 'vampires' in Twilight drink animal blood, and never have to drink human blood unless they decide to. Of course, once they decide to drink human blood, nothing is ever the same, and they will always crave it. The woman who wrote this word-vomit has tried to turn vampirism into a cautionary sex tale for tweens

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