Wednesday, January 14, 2009

7 Things I Seriously Consider Doing Every Time it is This Effing Cold

1. Setting everything around me on fire.

2. Killing people.

3. Blasting that insane bitch on The Weather Network with liquid notrogen and smashing her frozen body to pieces with a sledgehammer every time she SMILES while talking about how effing cold it is I hate her so much I wish she would fall into a shark's mouth and the shark would eat her and poop her out into the coldest part of the ocean and then she would be absorbed in poop-form into the water and a sea monster would drink the water and then whizz her out and she would never be heard from again.

4. Moving.

5. Injecting myself with bear DNA so I can hibernate.

6. Screaming until my head explodes, showering me with my own warm brains.

7. Killing people who are bigger than me and living inside their carcass until it cools off, then repeating that until summer or until they put me in prison.

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