Friday, October 8, 2010

Something About Rabbits and Dildos and Self-Realization and Pooping Red

Some days, I'm a dildo.

Today was definitely one of those days.  There are a few people who know that better than anyone, since they were the unfortunate victims of my dildo-ness -- including one poor guy who made a harmless damn joke, then found himself faced with this:

.....and then this:

.....and then this:

Yet he somehow managed not to do this:

Which he would have been totally justified in doing.

So that was Dildo Move Number One for me today.  Followed closely by several more dildo-esque reactions and overreactions and one instance of me telling a homeless guy to fuck off.  And then I couldn't find my car keys, so I swore within earshot of a child.  And then I found my car keys, but I couldn't find my stupid parking slip, so I swore again.  Still within earshot of the child.  And then I got stuck waiting behind an idiot at the pay-station at the parking lot who couldn't figure out where to put her fucking twoonie. 

(This is not the first image that comes up when you do a Google search for "stick it up your ass.")

And I thought "WHY THE SWEET CHOCOLATE FUCK DOES EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD FUCKING HATE ME TO-FUCKING-DAY?????"  So I got in my car and drove to my appointment, all the while hoping I would get an opportunity to kill a squirrel.  But for the first time in the HISTORY OF FUCKING MAN, there were no squirrels squirrelling about on the road.  Because even the squirrels hated me enough this morning to not let me kill them with my car.  Assholes.

Pissed and miserable and ready to crack in two, and not even able to satiate my rage by leaving a trail of squirrel carcasses along Bank Street.  Life sucked.

(I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all that I don't actually drive around trying to obliterate squirrels.  I've only ever run over three, and they were all accidents.  But I do hate squirrels very, very much.  They know why.)

So I went to my stupid appointment and did all the stupid things I needed to do and got some stupid Starbucks and craved a stupid cigarette and continued to try to figure out why everything and everyone hated my stupid guts.

My stupid, delicious guts.

Then, while driving along (a little more aggressively than perhaps I should have been) I had an epiphany.  "Holy fucking shit!" I said.


"Holy fucking shit!" I said.  "I'm not the center of the fucking universe!"

"Wait -- when did I start thinking I was the center of the fucking universe?"

"And why the hell am I talking to myself?  Out loud?  In my car?"

"Right -- I'm in my car.  I should probably be paying attention to the ro-"


(That last one came when I made a left turn into on-coming traffic at an intersection.  Lucky for me, the guy driving toward me had obviously been taking really good care of his brakes.  He and I have never and likely will never meet, but I'm pretty sure he knows enough about me to know he'd like to punch me in my face.)

I immediately pulled into a gas station parking lot, shut off my car, gripped the steering wheel, and made this face for a while:

Eventually, my eyeballs went back into my head. I started my car, unlocked my knuckles and drove away.  Much less aggressively (with no desire to murder any squirrels) and with a newly-clear mind.

At some point -- unconsciously and without any malice -- I decided I was the center of the universe.  Not the "PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME STOP IGNORING ME" center of the universe.  More of a "Why would you do/say/think that about me and why doesn't anyone realize I'm here and how come people don't understand that I'm just as important as they are" center of the universe.  Which I suppose we all feel, to some extent.  Any given person is technically the center of their own universe.  But I lost sight of that.  Something somewhere in my brain forgot that while it's totally fine for me to be the center of MY universe, it WASN'T totally fine for me to expect me to be the center of anyone else's, even if I wasn't aware I was expecting it.  Nothing in those last few sentences makes and sense, but I think you know what I mean.

I felt this post was getting too serious and thought it would be funny to put this here. 
There's a poet named Heather Darling-Cortes who wrote a poem (obviously) with this line: "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."  You would think the important part of that would be the second half, and maybe you're right.  (You're not.  You're wrong.)  It's the FIRST half that's important.  "To the world you may be one person."  Yes.  That's exactly what you are.  That's what I am.  That's what we all are.  We are all just one damn person, and we're never going to be nearly as important to anyone else as we are to ourselves.  And that is okie fucking dokie.

There is nothing on the Internet that says 'okie fucking dokie.'  But there is this, and it has 'jackers' in it, and that is funny.
It's fine that we're all just one person to the world.  What the hell else are we supposed to be?  Even if you find your true love and spawn many younglings and have a bazillion-zillion friends, you will NOT be as important to any of them as you are to yourself -- or vice versa.  Doesn't mean they don't care about you or you don't care about them.  Doesn't make you or them selfish.  Doesn't not mean nuthin'.  (Triple Negative.  Remember math?  Remember how two negatives make a postive, then if you add a negative to that positive you get a negative again?  Exactly the same, but with words.  Try not to think about it too hard, because I made it up anyway.  Math makes my brain explode.)

Needed exploding-brain picture.  This one seemed good.

This post is getting really fucking long, and I think I've kind of made my point.  Or not.  Pretty much I realized that no one does or SHOULD care about any given person more than that given person does.  If you know someone who cares about you more than YOU care about you, then you're a dummy.

Not this kind of dummy, you dummy.

OR this kind.  Quit being an asshole.

THIS kind of dummy.  The really dumb kind.
And don't be all "Waaaaah!  She called me a dummy!"  I just mean that if you don't care about yourself more than anyone in the world, then you're ignoring the attention of the most important person you'll ever know.  And that would make you a fucking idiot, now wouldn't it?

Thanks for stopping by, folks.  Let's wrap this all up with a picture of food someone made to look like a circle jerk.  

For some reason, THIS is the first image that comes up if you search for 'circle jerk.'  Probably best if you don't think about why I was searching for that.

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