Friday, November 18, 2016

I Like Mustard and Also Have a Neat Scar: The Comedian Tries Dating on the Interwebs

Recently, The Comedian has decided to give Internet dating sites a try, since I find meeting "real people" to be "difficult" and "annoying" and also because I "hate everyone" and don't want to hear about your "hopes and dreams" while you're able to "look me in the face" because then you will be able to see me "vomit."

Those of you who have partaken in Internet dating are likely familiar with the awkwardness of it all, starting with selecting the perfect photo to show that you are fun and outgoing, while also not looking very much like something dead that has been sitting in the sun for three days. Some of us are also paranoid about putting a picture of our face out there for any Tom, Dick, or Stabby McKillerson to see. To that end, I have decided to use a photo that highlights some of my better qualities -- but doesn't show my face-area -- in the form of this fun collage!

Top: A scar on my thumb that looks like a long-horn bull skull
Bottom left: Some eggs I made (so potential suitors know I can cook)
Bottom right: A birthmark on my leg that looks like a Pac Man with his mouth closed

Now that I've got the picture nailed down, it's on to the questionnaire thingie.

The Comedian's Likes:

1. The feeling when you finally get to pee after a long car ride.

2. Mustard. There are different kinds, and my world really opened up after I found that out.

3. Listening to Christmas music with the 'mute' button on.

The Comedian's Dislikes:

1. How when right after you shave one leg, you're expected to shave the other one. Because it's really hard to stand on one leg in the shower, and sometimes after I do one leg, I'm too tired to do the other one. So if we're on a date and you want to touch one of my legs, ask first and I'll put the one I've shaved closest to your hand.

2. Your mom. And she won't like me, either. But you should absolutely stay in touch with her, because you'll need somewhere to live after we have that big fight about how I don't want to go camping or have your stupid kids, you hippie freak.

3. Explaining.

In The Comedian's Spare Time, She:

1. Builds miniature models of women posed like they pose for Instagram pictures

2. Builds miniature models of chiropractor clinics for the miniature Instagram women, because they all have severe spinal pain from standing around with their boobs shoved out like that.

3. Hates.

Does The Comedian Want Kids? If So, How Many?

No. It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I'm pretty sure anything that might grow inside me would catch fire once sunlight touched it, and I don't have apartment insurance, so if my kid burst into flames and my TV and PlayStation got wrecked, I'd have to pay out of my own pocket to replace them.

Where Does The Comedian See Herself in Five Years?

In that prison in China (or wherever) that Bruce Wayne was in in the movie Batman Begins, so I can be broken out by Liam Neeson, who will teach me how to exact my vengeance on the guy who parks in the spot next to me and never leaves me enough room to open my car door all the way. But then it will turn out that Liam Neeson wanted that guy dead ANYWAY, and also everyone else, and was just trying to use me to do his dirty work. So I'll kill him with a train. Sorry -- I won't KILL him, I just won't have to SAVE him, blah blah blah I like Batman and pizza and videos games so you should probably date me or whatever.

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