Friday, January 2, 2015

The Comedian's Resume

The Comedian recently lost her job. It was Taylor Swift's fault. I know I blame her for a lot of things, but this time, that squinty-eyed weirdo really is the cause of The Comedian's problem. So now, I have to find a new job, or I won't be able to pay for Netflix anymore.

But it turns out writing a resume for OTHER types of jobs when you've only done one thing for all your adult life is, like, hard and stuff. Here's what I have so far.........

The Comedian
123 House with a lot of Spiders Right Now for Some Reason
(123) 456-7890

Objective: To continue to live indoors and eat food

Education: Must have been good, since I didn't finish paying for it until I was 30

Work Experience: Yes

Skills and Abilities:   - I talk words good
                                  - Experience being yelled at for no reason by angry people
                                  - Can listen to the same fucking song eight times a day without
                                  - Can speak for up to five minutes at a time without swearing
                                  - Extensive experience pretending I don't think the Kardashians
                                    should all fall in a hole

References: They'd just lie anyway, since they're sick of me asking them to be references, and they just wish I'd get a fucking job already and leave them alone.

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