The Hopper showed me a survey statistic the other day that suggested one-third of women have PRAYED for a boyfriend. I have a survey statistic that suggests 100 percent of those women are stupid. It’s a survey I did of me, where I asked myself what I thought of those women, and I answered “they’re stupid.” It’s re-enforced my belief that some women need to go to a special school to learn how to not suck. According to some guys I know, they also have to go to a different special school to learn HOW to suck, but that’s not really something I think we need to discuss right now.
I should confess right now that I am not an expert on boyfriends. I haven’t had one in none-of-your-fucking-business-how-many-years. But I've spent a great deal of time observing people and picking them apart, and I think I’ve figured out what these women are doing wrong. I’ve decided I should tell them all about it, because people love to hear about how stupid they are, and they never ever get angry about it. Please don’t be offended. I mean well. Probably.
I think the first thing some women do wrong is LOOK for boyfriends. Boyfriends are not shoes. There is not a Boyfriend Store. I get that you want someone to keep you company and tell you you’re pretty, but looking for a boyfriend just for the sake of HAVING a boyfriend is not going to end well. Think of it this way: You want a red dress. You go from store to store looking, but can’t find one that fits you just right, so you buy the one that’s closest to what you’re looking for. Except it’s one size too small and it’s itchy. So you wear this too-small itchy dress, and you try to make it work, because you wanted a red dress SO DAMN BAD. You give up pizza so you can lose a few pounds and fit into it more comfortably, and you spend tons of money on expensive lotion to get rid of the rashes because of the itchy fabric. Now you’re pissed off because you can’t have pizza and you’re broke from buying lotion. In a blind rage, you rip the dress off, cut it up with scissors, and set the shredded bits on fire.
Now, picture doing that to the boyfriend you settled for because you wanted one SO BAD and couldn’t wait until the right guy just came along. You changed yourself and gave up your comfort, to make what you managed to find work for you. Not fair to you, not fair to him – especially since he’s the one that got set on fire.
This next one should go without saying, but it apparently doesn’t, so I’m going to say it: If you sleep with him the day you meet him, he’s probably never going to be your boyfriend. Sure, it happens sometimes. Happened to me once, and it lasted quite awhile. Quite a long, miserable, while. A long, miserable, holy-shit-I-hate-him-and-I-wish-he’d-fall-off-a-cliff while. As best as I can figure, here’s the thought process: “Um, like, if I sleep with him RIGHT NOW, he will, like, totally think I’m the COOLEST chick ever and he will TOTALLY want to love me forever and marry me and have babies with me and we will live happily every after on a unicorn farm.”
Nope. If you sleep with him RIGHT NOW, he’s going to think: “Yay. I got laid.”
Here’s a fun game I’ve seen some women play: It’s called “I’m Going to Say I Just Want No-Strings-Attached Sex, But I Really Want Him To Love Me, And I’m Sure He’ll Do Just That After I Sleep With Him For A Few Weeks.”
Nope again. That game ends with him telling you to go away, and you crying into the purple fur of your most-favourite Care Bear every night for three weeks. Also, it screws up things for women who actually DO want no-strings-attached sex, because men stop believing it when women say that. So quit it.
Finally, you need to stop being anyone other than exactly who you are. Pretending to like something or be something because you think it will makes guys think you are awesome is stupid. Ask yourself this: Do you really like UFC? REALLY? My friend Kristi does. You can tell, because when she has conversations about it, she actually knows what she’s talking about. I’ve heard other women talk about it, and…….not so much with the knowing-what-the-fuck-they’re-saying. Guys do not care if you like UFC/hockey/wrasslin’/NASCAR/chugging beer/farting contests. That’s what their guy-friends are for. It’s completely OK if you like those things, but it’s OK if you don’t. And eventually, they will figure out you’re pretending, then it’s back to crying into your Care Bear.
Do you really, really want to pretend to like something you hate or be someone you’re not for the entire length of your relationship? Because you’re options are: a) eventually crack, admit to who you are, and basically show him you’ve committed Relationship Fraud, giving him every right to ditch your ass, or b) pretend to be someone you’re not for the rest of your life. Both of these options can be avoided by just being yourself, you stupid fucking idiot.
Here endeth the lesson.