Monday, December 15, 2008

Annoying Things

1. Chewing with your mouth open. EW.

2. Putting your finger into your ear/nose/butt-area. The only thing more annoying than that is someone who puts their finger into their ear/nose/butt-area, then smells the finger.

3. Blowing your nose, then putting the kleenex anywhere but in the garbage.

4. Teenagers.

5. Pre-teens.

6. Calling pre-teens 'tweens.'

7. Showing me whatever pictures you have in your wallet.

8. Honda Civics.

9. People who use inflection at the end of every sentence, so that every sentence sounds like a question.

10. Nickelback.

11. Your cellphone ring.

12. Horror movie remakes.

13. My dog.

14. Nickelback.

15. The CBC.

16. Nickelback.

17. Wal-Mart greeters.

18. Wal-Mart.

19. Tinsel.

20. Nickelback fans.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Cocksuckers and Shit Angels

Some people have a mantra. A word they chant over and over again, in an attempt to centre themselves and find peace.

I have the word 'fuck.' A word I say over and over again, in an attempt to stave off stress-headaches, and to magically repel bad drivers. If I didn't say 'fuck,' I would kill people. Everytime I say 'fuck,' I save a life. The life I save could be yours.

I have used the word 'fuck' in every imaginable combination. Motherfucker. Fuck off. Fuck you. Fuck them all. Jesus-fucking-Christ. What the fuck? Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck away from me. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Fuck it. What the fuck is wrong with your face? Who the fuck is that? What's that fucking noise? Fuck-fuck-diddly-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Someday I should really keep track of how many times a day I say 'fuck,' but I just don't have the fucking patience.

I also like to say 'cocksucker," but I have never used it to actually describe someone who was sucking a cock. I have used it to described the following people: Anyone who has ever been driving withing ten metres of me. Anyone in front of me at the checkout line at any store. Anyone who has ever bumped into me at a bar/restaurant/mall/library/church. All of my ex-boyfriends. My high school gym teacher. My landlords. The people who didn't plow the parking lot until late this afternoon. My old VCR when it ate my copy of Lethal Weapon. Every vehicle I have ever driven. A dog that pissed on our barbeque. Several of my former bosses. My sister. Nylons that have runs in them. Dirty dishes. My computer. A raccoon that I hit with my car about 10 years ago. Whoever cancelled Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Probably every single person reading this (behind your back, of course.)

'Shit' is a word that I frequently use, much like most of you. But unlike most of you, I have actual physical experience with shit on a level that makes me uniquely qualified to use it as a curse word. A few years ago, I was at my my parents' farm, helping my dad herd a cow from an enclosed shed-type thingie into a barn. There was a space between the enclosed shed-type thingie and the barn, that was open on one side. My dad asked my to prop up a wooden gate that was about three metres long, so he could get the cow from Point A to Point B, without it running away. It did not go exactly as planned. The cow decided it did not WANT to go to Point B, and instead ran directly into the wooded gate I was holding up. What followed can only be described as a Shit Sandwhich with a Melanie Filling and a Cow on Top. The top layer was Cow. Below Cow was Wooden Gate. Below Wooden Gate was Melanie. Below Melanie was Cow Shit. I had shit in my clothes, shit in my hair, shit under my fingernails, and I damn-near had shit in my mouth. Lucky (?) for me, I sank into the shit, and therefore was not crushed to death by the cow, which ran along on its merry way, leaving me embedded in a cold shit cocoon. When I got up, there was a me-shaped outline in the shit. A Shit-Angel.

So when I say 'shit,' I fucking well mean it, cocksucker.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Various Christmas Songs, and Why I Hate Them

1. Do They Know it’s Christmas Time (Band-Aid)

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas” No shit.

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (Some Kid, or Perhaps an Adult Who Sounds Like a Kid)

Where are you going to put this hippopotamus, dumb ass? You do know they get big, right? And it will probably kill you. On second thought, I hope you get one. And I hope it steps on your head.

3. Christmas Shoes (Don’t Care Who Sings This One)

This is a song about a destitute child trying to buy new shoes for its dying mother so the mother will have shoes to wear when she meets Jesus. Hey, kid – if you’re poor, maybe you should spend your money on food, AND NOT ON SHOES FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T EVEN WALK.

4. Chipmunk Christmas Song, as destroyed by Frozen Ghost


5. The Chipmunk Christmas Song, as screeched by The Chipmunks

I hate that fucking song.

6. Any Christmas Song by Any Country Singer

I don’t feel a need to explain this one.

7. Santa Baby (I Don’t Know, and Can’t Be Bothered to Google it)

This was probably a good song once. Now it’s the victim of annoying LCBO commercials. And it works, because when I hear it, I want to drink.

8. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (Some Annoying Kid)

You know why you’re missing those teeth? Because you’re annoying, and someone punched them out of your face.

9. That Stupid Paul McCartney One

Something about simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Over and over and FUCKING OVER AGAIN.

10. The One With the Word Marshmallow in it.

I don’t know what this song is called. I don’t know who sings it. All I remember is the word “marshmallow,” then I black out. When I come to, someone has been stabbed.