Avril Lavigne is a Jackass.

Song #2 in my list of Shit Music that Rapes My Ears


I enjoy listening to Avril Lavigne about as much as I would enjoy listening to the sounds my dog would make if she were being skinned alive. That said, I do not know and do not care if she’s ever actually written any word of any sentence of any song she’s every ‘performed.’ But the shit comes out of her mouth, so she’s the one I’m taking it out on. I’ve also only added selected excerpts (they are listed in order as they appear in the song) because it’s a very long piece of shit, and I don’t want to over power my computer with it’s stench.



"Complicated"

Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is

***That’s deep. Thanks, retard.


Chill out whatcha yelling' for?

***Cuz I hate you.


You come over unannounceddressed up like you're somethin' else

***”Dressed up like you’re somethin’ else,” Avril? Like perhaps a cool punk-rock-but-not-too-offensively-punk-rock chick, instead of a skank-whore from Napanee?


Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me

***I really like those commercials you’re in for digital cameras these days. They in no way make you look like a moron.


Chill out whatcha yelling for?

***Again, because I hate you. Already told you that.


Lay back, it's all been done before

***Too easy.

"Cecilia" is a Stupid Song

The first in my ongoing series of Songs That Are Stupid and Why.


I hate this song. Not only does it get stuck in my frigging head for a week any time I hear even one NANO SECOND of it, but it might be one of the most glaring examples of pathetic loserness that has ever been written.




Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home
Come on home

***Up to this point, there's nothing really odd about this song, except how fucking annoying it is. Shit starts to go wrong right.....about....now.


Making love in the afternoon with CeciliaUp in my bedroom (making love)

***Nothing wrong there.

I got up to wash my face

***What exactly is this guy doing during sex that requires him to wash his damn face? If you're face gets dirty, you're doing it WRONG.

When I come back to bed
Someone's taken my place

***Cecilia's a whore, dude. Also, unless you take a very, very long time to wash your face, this other guy was in your room the whole time, and he was probably naked. Watching you boink.

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to come home
Come on home

***Now this particular clump of dialogue, which was not-weird at the beginning, becomes much more weirderer. You are begging this bitch to come back? Dude -- WHORE.

Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I am laughing,
Jubilation, she loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I am happy.

***Jubilation because a whore has taken YOU back after SHE banged some guy mere seconds after you left the room to wash your face in the middle of sex? You're an asshole. Also, you probably didn't fall on the floor because of laughter. Cecilia probably gave you syphilis, and you've fainted. Go to a doctor.

Anger is Bad. I Guess.

I've been told I have "anger issues." I think I have people-who-should-shut-up-and-mind-their-own-damn-business issues, but I guess they have a point. Sometimes. The following is a write-up of some of the things that make me angry, why those things shouldn't make me angry, and what I should do instead of being angry.



Makes me angry: My dog barking
Why it shouldn't: She's a dog. It's how she talks.
What I should do instead of getting angry: Get her her own apartment.

Makes me angry: Bad drivers.
Why it shouldn't: No matter how loud I swear at them, they can't hear me from their car.
What I should do instead of getting angry: Call the police. Give them the bad driver's licence number. Say they were driving erratically through a school zone, flinging baggies of marijuana onto the playground and firing guns.

Makes me angry: Winter.
Why it shouldn't: It's Canada. Winter is a fact of life. But so is beer.............
What I should do instead of getting angry: Get drunk November 1st. Stay that way until April.

Makes me angry: Nickelback.
Why it shouldn't: It has been scientifically-proven that being angry at Nickelback won't make Nickelback go away.
What I should do instead of getting angry at Nickelback: Go to Scientist School. Become a scientist. Invent and construct a machine that will beam Nickelback to Jupiter. Beam Nickelback to Jupiter.

My Friend Got a Parking Ticket For No Good Fucking Reason

Job Application - Parking Meter Fuckhead


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this application to become a Parking Meter Fuckhead. We will go over your application and get back to you within 3 business days.

1. Please select the phrase that best describes you:

a) Decent Human Being
b) Incomparable Asshole
c) Shit-for-Brains
d) Giant Douche

2. How would you deal with a confrontation between yourself, and someone who is obviously right?

a) Accept that the other person is right and apologize
b) Throw a fit like a whiny little bitch
c) Tell the obviously in-the-right party that you've "already started the ticket"

3. You believe people should get parking tickets when:

a) They are parked in a no-parking zone, or the meter has run out
b) You feel like it, whether they are illegally parked or not, because you are an asshole

4. Your career goals to this point have been:

a) To do well at a job that you enjoy
b) To be a police officer, but you failed the test because you're a fucking idiot
c) To be a mall security guard because you failed the police test because you're a fucking idiot, but you failed the mall security guard test too, because you're a fucking idiot, and now you're just trying to get ahold of any power you can, regardless of how insignificant you are.


If you answered "a" to any of the above questions, please do not bother handing in this application. You are obviously a decent, mentally-functioning human being, and this job is not right for you.

Movies I Haven't Bothered to See, Because I Know I Will Hate Them

There are some rather popular movies that I have not seen, because I know I will hate them. Everyone tells me how good they are. I don't care. They either look stupid, sound stupid, or are based on something I think is stupid. I'm not saying they are stupid, I'm saying I think they're stupid. You are free to have your own opinion. Who am I to judge you for enjoying crap?


1. Spiderman, and all the little Spiderman sequels that came after it. Some might theorize that my hatred for Spiderman has something to do with my crippling fear of spiders. The same crippling fear that makes me squeal like a piggy and do that ridiculous fear-dance that is so frantic that my feet don't touch the ground for a good ten seconds. That's not why I hate Spiderman. I hate Spiderman for one very simple reason: My first exposure to Spiderman was that shitty Spiderman cartoon. The one with the reusable skylines that Spiderman just kept swinging through on his stupid Spiderman web, over and over and over and over and over. Did he not notice he was swinging by the same effing building EIGHT DAMN TIMES????? But that's not why I hate him. I hate him because in that stupid cartoon, the stupid 'spider' on his stupid Spiderman pyjamas often ONLY HAD SIX LEGS. That's not a spider. That's a tick. He's Tickman. And that is why I refuse to watch any of the Spiderman movies.

2. Titanic. Boat full of rich people sinks. Boo-fucking-hoo.

3. The Lord of the Rings. It is often said you can't judge a book by its cover. I agree. You can, however, judge a book by the stupid shit written in it. That's how I feel about The Lord of the Rings. I HATED those books. I tried to read them, I really did. I. Hated. Them. The very thought of perhaps accidentally watching a movie based on even five words out of one of those books makes me want to drown kittens.

4. Star Wars. I just can't make myself care about Star Wars. I think light sabers or whatever they're called look lame. Yoda looks like this cross-eyed inbred cat we had on the farm when I was a kid. I know a lot of you are cursing my name right now, but nothing about Star Wars appeals to me. Actually, this entry is a bit of a lie. I have seen one of the Star Wars movies. It was the one with Jar Jar Binks. I thought he was funny. I told a friend of mine that I thought he was funny. That statement was enough to convince my friend to stop trying to convince me to watch the other Star Wars movies. Apparently, liking Jar Jar Binks is the Star Wars equivalent of being retarded.

5. Harry Potter. It's about a boy who is a witch. A boy-witch. Will he grow up to be a manwitch? He plays games that are called stupid things like "Quidsplitch" or whatever. He likes a girl and he has a friend who has red hair. There are some wizards, and some of them probably die. They all go to witch-school together. He either kisses the girl, or his friend kisses the girl, or one, two or all of them die. Or none of them die, and some of them live happily ever after. Any of those things could happen. I don't particularly care.

6. Twilight. Here's how the vampires from this dreck are described on Wikipedia: "Twilight vampires have many distinct differences from other vampires that have been seen throughout history, such as not having fangs but instead strong piercing teeth, glittering in the sunlight rather than burning....." Vampires have fangs. Vampires that don't have fangs are just regular, everyday assholes that bite. Vampires do not 'glitter.' Vampires blow all to shit when the sun hits them. The way I understand it, the 'vampires' in Twilight drink animal blood, and never have to drink human blood unless they decide to. Of course, once they decide to drink human blood, nothing is ever the same, and they will always crave it. The woman who wrote this word-vomit has tried to turn vampirism into a cautionary sex tale for tweens

7 Things I Seriously Consider Doing Every Time it is This Effing Cold

1. Setting everything around me on fire.

2. Killing people.

3. Blasting that insane bitch on The Weather Network with liquid notrogen and smashing her frozen body to pieces with a sledgehammer every time she SMILES while talking about how effing cold it is I hate her so much I wish she would fall into a shark's mouth and the shark would eat her and poop her out into the coldest part of the ocean and then she would be absorbed in poop-form into the water and a sea monster would drink the water and then whizz her out and she would never be heard from again.

4. Moving.

5. Injecting myself with bear DNA so I can hibernate.

6. Screaming until my head explodes, showering me with my own warm brains.

7. Killing people who are bigger than me and living inside their carcass until it cools off, then repeating that until summer or until they put me in prison.

11 Things I Saw at the AC/DC Concert, in No Particular Order

1. A train.

2. An inappropriately-shirtless guy, dancing inappropriately.

3. A slutty chick's right boob on the jumbo screen.

4. A slutty chick's left boob on the jumbo screen.

5. AC/DC.

6. My mom, who is still much, MUCH cooler than me. (She actually had to tell me to stand up when the band came out, because I am lame and tend to sit down during entire rock concerts.)

7. Enough flashing devil-horn head bands to set off a seizure in every epileptic on the planet.

8. A 35-dollar hat, which I proceeded to buy because apparently I just poop out money now.

9. A giant, inflated, heavily-boobed plastic woman named Rosie.

10. Cannons.

11. My life flashing before my eyes as we tried to leave through a crowd of drunken fools stumbling like extras in a George Romero zombie movie who'd been dosed with qualuudes.