I Watch the Glittery Vampire Movie, and Don't Totally Hate It Even Thought I Really REALLY Want To, and Also, What's the Deal With That Guy's Nose?

Tuesday night, Law and Order: SVU and CSI:New York are over. My quota of murder, sexual tension and lame quips sated (but still I am left unfulfilled by the lack of shirtless Chris Meloni) I scan the Rogers OnDemand for something to watch. After several severely-pixelated failed attempts to watch Fox Mulder have a bunch of The Sex on Californication, I decide to take the plunge, swallow my pride, and watch that loathed vampire abomination Twilight.

I love vampires. I watch the movies and the TV shows, I read the books, I picture the good-looking guys I know with fangs and silvery eyes. I accept different, varying takes on the legend: can't go out in the sun ... can go out in the sun ... crosses and church and garlic bad ... crosses and church and garlic do nothing ... they do have souls and reflections ... they don't have souls or reflections. Whatever. To me, there are only three things that don't vary: fangs, blood and lack of glitter.

Which takes me to everything I perceived would be wrong with Twilight.

First, the little buggers don't have fangs. Second, abundance of glitter. (Please note: in order for there to be an abundance of glitter, there really only needs to be one glitter. Glitter = Lame.) To be fair, I didn't make the No-Glitter Rule until after Twilight was created, because until then, NO ONE WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA. You suck, Stephanie Meyer Or However the Hell You Spell Your Last Name, Because I Don't Feel Like Looking it Up.

They manage to pass the Blood Rule, because feeding off animals is an acceptable vampire practice as far as I'm concerned. See: Stefan in Vampire Diaries (which was a book WAY before Twilight was, so shut up with your little copycat theories, TwiTards.)

Before I get into the Everything I Thought Sucked About This Movie portion of the evening, let's go over what I DID like -- and there was actually quite a lot. The clothes were pretty awesome. The actress who plays Bella was good. She's pretty, and she does "moody" well, without being annoying. Her truck was pretty cool, however, I question how she was able to pick up driving a standard so quickly, after having to ask which pedal was the clutch.

The setting was great. I've seen photos of the real Forks, Washington, and this portrayed that well. Yay for Vancouver -- you're really good at being damp and rainy.

The main components of a good vampire movie were there for the most part: the vampire guy who doesn't want to love the human girl because he doesn't want to hurt her, the conflicted human girl who trusts the vampire guy, the kindly vampires resisting their nature, the mean vampires who just want to eff everything up for the kindly vampires for some reason, the borderline-violent kissing. Overall, not a bad story, although they fell in maddeningly sickly love just a little too fast for my taste.

Now let's get to the fun part, where I bitch about Twilight. I've been bitching about it forever without actually knowing much about it, and I feel like less of a dick now that I can bitch about it after seeing it.

They glitter. THEY GLITTER, for crying out loud. When the vampires go out in the sun, they fucking glitter. I figured it would be lame, but the glittering in this movie far out-lamed anything I could have ever imagined, even in my Liberace-iest dreams. Really? The effects on a film with a decent budget couldn't have been just a little better? Did they cover him in glue and blow arts and crafts sparkles at him? No. Just, no. Don't ever do that again.

No fangs. Don't really have to go into any great detail about that. Self-explanatory, really. Vampires. Have. Fangs.

In Twilight, the vampires have venom. Venom is for snakes. That is all.

The vampires can run really fast, which is fine. How they carried out this particular trait in this move is NOT fine. It's the opposite of fine. I can't really explain it properly, because something in my brain short-circuited every time it happened and I can't really remember what it looked like. I just remember thinking of cartoon characters running in place, and then my eyes would roll back in my head for a while from the sheer dorkiness if it all.

The first half of the movie held my interest, but they lost me part way through. I think it might have been WHEN THE VAMPIRES PLAYED FRIGGING BASEBALL. Seriously, Stephanie Oscar Meyer Wiener Breath? BASEBALL??? Jackass. No one likes you.

Some of the acting was ass. Most of the acting was pretty good. I especially liked the long-haired native boy who is probably a werewolf. (Spoiler Alert!)

And then there's Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. I actually really liked the character, but I rather wish the actor would get hit by a train. Failing that, I wish he'd wash his hair and get less ugly. What the hell is wrong with his nose? Did someone pound him in the face with a shovel? I know all women everywhere who have ever opened their eyes find him attractive, but I just don't see it. I shouldn't really judge, though, since I keep a picture of Shirtless Keith Richards on my bedroom wall. I shouldn't judge, but I am. Please, women of the world, do not encourage him. At least refuse to drool over him until he buys some Pantene. I beg of you.

So, despite all my preconceived notions, I didn't hate Twilight. I didn't love it, but I didn't want to gouge my eyes out with a pickle fork after having watched it. Will I see the next 43 Twilight movies? Meh. Perhaps. Maybe one day, when they're on the Movie Network and I'm done watching whatever incarnation of CSI/Law and Order is done for the night. Unless Chris Meloni takes his shirt off.

When that happens, Melanie needs some alone-time.....which made Oz difficult to watch.