I Violate Football

I don't know anything about football. I don't have anything against it, I just don't watch it or pay any attention to it or really care about it in any way whatsoever. Today, Hopper was doing his football picks for a football pool thingy, and I decided I would do some, too. What I have done flies in the face of statistics or fan devotion or logic or anything, really. I just decided which one of the competing teams' things-they're-named-after could kill the other in real life.

I apologize to people who love football for basically making fun of it. If it makes you feel better, I once dressed up as Strawberry Shortcake for a tap-dancing recital. You can poke fun at me for that if it makes you feel better. Although, I'm not sure a Strawberry Shortcake costume is more embarassing than those pants football players wear.

Also, I feel the need to stress that I did research for this. Actual research. Because who the fuck knows what a "49er" is? (They were gold prospectors, by the way. Don't care.)


Titans v Steelers
(Titans, because they're gods. Can't beat gods.)

Dolphins v Falcons
(Falcons, because they could probably get a falcon-gang together and swoop down and peck the dolphins' eyeballs out. The dolphins would be all "Wah! Let's all get along! Boo hoo! I'm a pretty dolphin! Love me! Oh no -- my face is bleeding and now I'm dead.")

Chiefs v Ravens
(Chiefs, because they could just shoot the ravens.)

Eagles v Panthers
(Panthers, because the eagles would swoop down, and the panthers would be all "screw you, bird!" and chomp them right out of the air with their pointy teeth.)

Broncos v Bengals
(Bengals eat horses. Fact. Probably)

Vikings v Browns
(Vikings will pillage the village, bitches.)

Jets v Texans
(Jets, because they'd just crash into the Texans and pulverize them.)

Jaguars v Colts
(Sorry, little horsie. Kitty gonna eat you.)

Lions v Saints
(Lions eat everything.)

Cowboys v Buccaneers
(Buccaneers were dicks and they were good at killing, so they'll totally win.)

49ers v Cardinals
(Cardinals are pretty, but they're dorks. They lose.)

Red Skins v Giants
(Giants squish things. They get to win. Also, 'Red Skins' is racist. Fix it.)

Rams v Seahawks
(seahawks would probably dive bomb rams, but then the rams would ram them with their rammy heads. Rams win.)

Bears v Packers
(Bears. What the fuck are packers? Like, luggage packers? Meat packers? Why would you name a team that? That's stupid.)

Bills v Patriots
(The Bills are basically named after Buffalo Bill Cody, who was a big fan of Native and women's rights, and also shot buffaloes. Patriots, I imagine, are named after the Americans who fought against British rule. Both could fight, but Buffallo Bill could fight BUFFALOES, which are WAY bigger than British people. Bills win.)

Charges v Raiders
(Chargers are horsies, I guess. Raiders are pirate-guys? Raiders, then. It would be way cooler if they were Cylon Raiders like in Battlestar Galactica.)


***So those are my picks for this coming whatever. You guys are all gonna feel really dumb if I'm right.