I have a job working as a telemarketer for a very annoying and pointless company that seems to think calling people at 6:30 on a Sunday evening will make them want to buy the product and/or service it provides. Judging by the responses I get from 99.999999999999999% of the people I call, they do not wish to ever for any reason in the history of time buy said product and/or service. And many of them would also like me to go fuck myself. I understand that they might have things to do at 6:30 on a Sunday evening such as "spending time with my children" or "reading a book" or "masturbating furiously while thinking of your mother, you annoying telemarketing piece of shit," but I have to make a living somehow and this is the only way I can do that, since I'm a big giant asshole who either didn't bother finishing school or perhaps went to university for something retarded and now can't find a job in that field, because the only job on Earth available in that line of work is being the person who teaches the course at the university I went to, and that person hasn't died yet so I can't have their job. What can I do to make potential customers buy the shit I'm trying to sell?
Signed,
Just Wants to Talk About the Sale We Have on Right Now
Dear Just Wants to Talk:
Kill yourself.
Signed,
The Comedian
Dear The Comedian:
I am a douchebag who stands near the bus stop outside the mall, trying to pick up women. I use great lines such as "Hay bayby" and "Due yoo wanna tuch it?" I am so obviously stupid that when I speak, people can hear the spelling mistakes I would make if I were writing the words down instead of saying them aloud. Once -- it was a Friday, I think -- I had a shower. I even almost used soap. No matter how hard I try or how many times I grab my junk through my grey track pants and shake it in the direction of a pretty girl, I never get any action beyond stuffing my dick into the vacuum when I get home. It's a good thing I've never used the vacuum to actually clean my floors, or I might get some sort of STD. I know you can't get STDs from plain old floor-dirt, but sometimes my roommate Ted whacks off and leaves his spew on the floor, and if I vacuumed up his spew and then got it on my dick while it was stuffed in the vacuum, I might get the herpes Ted has. Can you tell me what I need to do to finally meet a girl who will let me stick it in her?
Signed,
Dirty Douchebag with Brown Stuff in His Teeth and Half a Boner At All Times
Dear Dirty Doucebag:
Kill yourself.
Signed,
The Comedian
Dear The Comedian:
I live in a townhouse complex surrounded by normal people, but I am a giant ass-zit who plays really loud music of such compelling genres as "Death Metal" and "Cats in a Blender." Sometimes I play it during the day and drive everyone nuts, and sometimes I play it at night and drive everyone nuts. I don't understand why my neighbours all refer to me as "Dick Face" and "Shut Up You Piece of Shit" and "I Hope You Die in a Fire." I have a bicycle that only looks like it's been hit by trucks seven or eight times max, and I'm pretty much only 97% physically repulsive. I suppose if you saw me from a distance and the sun was shining in your eyes and I was facing away from you, you might think I was OK-looking. I'm not, though. I have no redeeming qualities and I should probably move away and leave all these nice people alone. My question for you is: would you like to come over tonight and listen to some death metal with my in my basement? I am very lonely, since I am such a useless pile of balls.
Signed,
Death Metal Rules and I am Very Cool Because I Like It
Dear Death Metal:
Kill yourself.
Signed,
The Comedian
If you have a question for The Comedian, please send it (along with a self-addressed stamped box large enough to hold whatever dead animal I decide to mail back to you) to:
The Comedian Hates You
123 You Fucking Suck Avenue
I Hate Your Gutsville
Canada
H8T Y0U
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