Being the Comedian: I Can Work My Hatred for Nickelback Into Anything

Dear PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, aka Punkass Effers That AreJerksAndDon'tWantMeToHaveAnyBurgersEver),

I don't like you.

I'm sure there are people in your group who aren't complete jizz-wads, but I never hear about them because I only ever see this:

If it's ground up in burger-form, I don't care what it looked like when it was alive. I will eat it.

or this:

I won't eat that. Or the food it's holding.

I don't know which one grosses me out more: a naked chick covered in fake blood and wrapped in plastic, or a usually-naked chick made of plastic parts and full of dirty blood. Seriously -- do NOT let her bleed on you.

Oh -- and there's also comparing killing animals for food to the Holocaust (really, assholes? REALLY?) ... this lovely book they hand out to children ... and using someone's CANCER DIAGNOSIS to spread the message that milk is bad.

AND, if your puppy gets lost and they find it and then they can't find a home for it, they'll kill it.

Just. Like. This.

I like meat. I just ate dead pig pieces jammed on a stick with a bunch of vegetables. Vegetable are good when they're jammed on a stick with meat, because then they taste like meat, too. If PETA had their way, not only would I not have dead pig to eat, I wouldn't even have red peppers that TASTE like dead pig. Seems unfair you'd expect me to live like that.

Do you know why, PETA, it is NOT bad to kill animals? Because eating them while they were still alive would be mean. Because it's kinder to put Mr. Horsie down than it is for me to sneak up behind him and shove my foot up his ass so I can have leather boots. Because if we don't kill them, they will kill us.

Okay, maybe that last part is kind of bullshit, but you can't tell me you've never looked a cat in the eye and thought "Yep - that fucker would shoot me if he could hold a gun." It leads to my next point, though -- and unlike the points about leather boots (which I guess technically I don't really need) or walking around gnawing hunks of meat off live cows, this point is actually valid.

People are animals, too, PETA.

Humans are part of the Animalia Kingdom -- same as chickens and baby seals and werewolves.

You're supposed to shoot her with something. A silver bullet? Whatever.

I assume, PETA, that if I kill a lamb so I can have some yummy muttony goodness, I am THE FUCKING DEVIL according to you, but if Lambchop kills the hell out of me, that's perfectly acceptable.

"That's perfectly acceptable." -PETA

The point I'm trying to make (actually, I'm not really sure I'm even trying to make a point anymore, PETA. I'm just bitching randomly now because of how intently I hate you) is that if you want me to not think you're a bunch of dick salads as you fight for animal rights, you really should fight for the rights of ALL animals -- including humans. Where are you when mosquitos bite me? (See -- this is where my earlier comment about killing things before you eat them comes into play. It's much more humane.) Where are the protests when a shark chomps a swimmer in half, or when a monkey eats a lady's face off, or when this happens? What -- animals can't protect themselves while humans can?

Then explain THIS.

Just, fuck off PETA. It's not my fault Homo Sapiens learned how to use guns first. But I'm sure you're just going to tell me it's not fair to use guns against other poor, defenseless animals.....