Various Christmas Songs, and Why I Hate Them

1. Do They Know it’s Christmas Time (Band-Aid)

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas” No shit.


2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (Some Kid, or Perhaps an Adult Who Sounds Like a Kid)

Where are you going to put this hippopotamus, dumb ass? You do know they get big, right? And it will probably kill you. On second thought, I hope you get one. And I hope it steps on your head.


3. Christmas Shoes (Don’t Care Who Sings This One)

This is a song about a destitute child trying to buy new shoes for its dying mother so the mother will have shoes to wear when she meets Jesus. Hey, kid – if you’re poor, maybe you should spend your money on food, AND NOT ON SHOES FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T EVEN WALK.

4. Chipmunk Christmas Song, as destroyed by Frozen Ghost

ONLY THE CHIPMUNKS SHOULD SING THIS SONG, YOU ASSHOLES.


5. The Chipmunk Christmas Song, as screeched by The Chipmunks

I hate that fucking song.


6. Any Christmas Song by Any Country Singer

I don’t feel a need to explain this one.


7. Santa Baby (I Don’t Know, and Can’t Be Bothered to Google it)

This was probably a good song once. Now it’s the victim of annoying LCBO commercials. And it works, because when I hear it, I want to drink.


8. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (Some Annoying Kid)

You know why you’re missing those teeth? Because you’re annoying, and someone punched them out of your face.


9. That Stupid Paul McCartney One

Something about simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Over and over and FUCKING OVER AGAIN.


10. The One With the Word Marshmallow in it.

I don’t know what this song is called. I don’t know who sings it. All I remember is the word “marshmallow,” then I black out. When I come to, someone has been stabbed.