Oh, F*** Off, Cosmo

Facts:

1. Cosmopolitan Magazine is the dumbest thing to be printed on paper.

2. I buy it every month.

3. Even though I know it's complete shit.

4. The whole time I'm reading it, I talk to it like it can hear me.

5. All I ever say to it is "Oh, fuck off, Cosmo."

By this logic, people who come to my house will think I have a magical, evil car that can rebuild itself after running down my enemies.

I can has bukake?

The irony of Kim Kardashian selling a perfume called "True Reflection" has explodered my brains. That dirty whore doesn't even know what her own face looks like anymore, under all that spackle.

We can all has bukake?

They spelled 'color' wrong. And they forgot to put the word 'whore' anywhere on that page. And how come that lady-wrestler China is selling nail polish?

There's no such thing as a 'British accent,' you stupid assholes.

Maybe because he's covering up a fucking burp?

Yeah. He's probably the one raping people.

Wait -- no. There he is.

BOOBS!!!

Dear Everyone,

Boobs are not bad.

Sincerely,
The Comedian


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Recently, I saw a post on Facebook about an underpants ad, and how the underpants ad was bad because it implied women were possessions or something. To me, it mostly implied underpants. Nice underpants. Underpants I proceeded to look for at the store named in the ad, but could not find.

I don't know how exactly underpants = women as a possession or as less than men or as merely a thing that boobs are attached to. I didn't actually put all that much thought into it (because I was busy being mad that I could not find the underpants.)

Then today, I really started thinking about it again. I even went so far as to act out an underpants ad myself, and while I did feel like I'd done permanent mental damage to my dog and possibly one of the neighbour-kids tall enough to see in the window, I did not feel like a possession of any kind. I just felt like a person wearing underpants.

What I believed I looked like.

What I probably actually looked like.

Of course, this has inevitably led me to question society and religion and politics and why that store advertised underpants then didn't have the underpants IN THEIR STUPID STORE when I went in to buy them.

Mostly, it makes me wonder why exactly we don't like naked stuff. Obviously, that's not directed at everyone. Most of my friends are rather partial to naked stuff. Some of us have spent untold hours discussing naked stuff. At any given moment, there is a 97% chance I am only five seconds away from thinking about naked stuff. Hell -- one of the things that keeps me from walking in front of a truck some days is the knowledge that I can do a Google image search for "Chris Meloni naked" and will, in fact, get to see Chris Meloni naked.

I erred on the side of caution and picked a cropped version, but trust me -- there's wiener down there. Lots of wiener.

When I look at that picture, I certainly don't think of Chris Meloni as a possession. I think of Chris Meloni as  someone who is probably fun to have a shower with.

Likewise, when I look at THIS picture, I don't think of her as a possession. I think of her as someone who is wearing a bra that costs more than my car.

And also perhaps as someone who is about to go thermo-nuclear and annihilate us all with her radioactive ladybits.

And I highly doubt anyone looks at THIS ad and feels sorry for David Beckham because he's being treated as a possession. They probably feel sorry for him because apparently a badger climbed into his underpants and has decided that's where it's going to live now.

My point is this: Boobs are not bad. Weenuses are not bad. Ladybits are not bad (unless they are glowing, in which case FUCKING RUN.)

Obviously, we should probably not dance about flopping our bits-and-bites in public, but I feel like every time someone says something along the lines of "OH GOD -- NUDITY! MY EYES ARE BURNING AND MY SOUL IS FALLING OUT MY ASSHOLE FROM SEEING SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE," then we are further convinced that naked is bad. In some cases, naked IS bad. And sometimes illegal. But mostly, naked is just naked. Instead of looking at an underpants ad and thinking "That poor woman," maybe we should be thinking "Holy shit, that chick is making a frigging fortune by wearing underpants. Lucky bitch. I wear underpants just about every other day, and I don't make shit for it."

When people -- especially women -- make a big deal about how showcasing the female body is taking power away from women, THEY are taking power away from women. They're suggesting that a woman is so fragile a creature, that the mere sight of her body will launch her backward through time and space, to a world where she will no longer be allowed to vote.

Please shut the fuck up, You People Who Say That Crap. I could walk around with tassles scotch-taped to my nerps and feathers sticking out of my butt like the world's most awesome rooster, and I'd still be exactly as powerful as I was before I did it. In fact, I'd probably make some new friends and people would buy me presents and stuff.

Piss.

Had a good talk with a good friend last night about how if you don't laugh at life, you'll lose your mind because so many big chunks of life suck stinky ass. It came up because this particular friend is a grand fucking MASTER of saying the most inappropriate thing you can thing of in any given situation, and I fucking love that. The most terriblest things you can think of, he can still make you laugh over some part them. Because you have to. You can't do that around just anyone, though. Has to be the right people. Your people. And I only really care to spend time with those people. If you do that around the wrong people......well........

Today has been an epic shit stain of a day.

And the people I care about and who care about me -- you are the piss that will blast that shit stain away.

Does laughing fix everything? No, dumbass. Of course it doesn't. If you answered "yes," then you're stupid. But laughing can keep us going, even if we're only running on fumes. It can keep us from sitting and stewing and thinking about the Absolute Worst Things (like ABBA reuniting, or the dead Bee Gees coming back to life.) Laughing keeps us from becoming sad, boring, lifeless people. That's why all of George Lopez's friends do nothing but mope and yawn and cry.

Because he's not funny. About anything. Ever.

Is it OK to laugh in someone's face if their pet hamster dies or they get nose-blood on their favourite shirt? Again -- no. And again -- if you answered "yes," you're no longer allowed to be in charge of anything. Not even putting milk on your cereal or walking places. But if giggling far, far away and behind their back about how their nose-blood dried in a Rorschach-like pattern resembling a smooshed boob makes your day even a little less fucked, then I say go for it. And try to only surround yourself with people who would do the same thing far, far away and behind your back, because people who can laugh at shitty things are people who get that life can suck, but living doesn't have to. Those people will make your life better. I know that's a true-fact because I know those people, and they have made my life better.

So on this shit stain of a day, I thank you all for being the piss in my life that blasts the shit stain away. I hope I can be even half the piss that you are to me.


~~~~~

A Pterodactyl Face in Your What-Not: The Comedian Helps You Survive Awkward Situations

The Comedian has spent approximately her whole entire life deftly trying to survive awkward situations. It seems only fair that I use this forum (now read by nearly ten people on a semi-irregular basis) to help you do the same.

Of the hundreds of awkward situations I have found myself in, I can proudly say I have made it through almost one of them completely unscathed. Therefore, I am well-equipped to tell you what to do. If you disagree with that, you can sit your ass on a spike.


Awkward Situation #1: You are alone in a room. Someone else walks in. It is blatantly obvious that you have just farted.

The Comedian's Advice: Just fucking fart again. Make it special. Point your hand in the air like a disco dancer and clench your ass cheeks so it sounds like a firecracker going off in an empty storage locker. Then spin around like a dog trying to eat its tail, yelling "I WANNA SMELL IT WHILE IT'S FRESH! I WANNA SMELL IT WHILE IT'S FRESH!"


Awkward Situation #2: You believe you are alone with a friend, talking about how a different friend smells like the inside of a rain boot, but a rain boot with shit in it. Suddenly, your friend goes silent. Your heart drops as you realize Shit Boot is right behind you.

The Comedian's Advice: Tilt your head slightly and go slack-jawed. Adopt a blank stare. Slowly turn around until you're facing Shit Boot. Stand up, slowly walk toward her (shuffle a little, like a zombie) and punch her in the throat. Run away.


Awkward Situation #3: You send an email to your friends, featuring this picture:

Immediately upon hitting "send," you realize you managed to somehow send the email to your boss, because you are apparently an enormous fucking idiot.

The Comedian's Advice: Do nothing. Your boss will think it's pretty funny, unless he sucks. In fact, send more. See if you can find some with racial slurs or hilarious captions under sick children . When you next see your boss, wait until he's within yelling distance, and holler "HEY! BOSS! DID YOU LIKE THAT PICTURE OF THE INSIDE OF A GOAT'S ASS THAT I SENT YOU?" He'll think that's pretty cool, and you'll probably get a raise or something.


Awkward Situation #4: You are a dude. You are in a public bathroom, 'draining the lizard' or 'taking a leak' or 'expelling urine from your urethra' or whatever slang terms you immature, filthy pigs are using these days. You're sort of not paying attention, looking around, waiting to be done pissing into a porcelain drinking fountain with a big blue breath mint in it, when you realize you are full-on staring at the pork sword of the guy whizzing beside you.

I saw something really bad when I did a Google Image search for "urinal pervert" so I would like to look at this kitten instead.

The Comedian's Advice: Go ahead. Touch it.



Awkward Situation #5: You are a woman. Once a year, you have to go to the doctor, where he will stick a cold metal pterodactyl face in your What-Not.

This. In your What-Not.

The Comedian's Advice: Prior to the Pterodactyl Appointment (or 'Pterodactyling' as I believe it's not called in the medical community) decorate your inner thighs with Spongebob Squarepants Bandaids. I suggest using them to spell out "HI, DOCTOR!" He's going to laugh so hard when he sees it. Hopefully, he'll laugh before he does the thing he's going to do with the pterodactyl face, because if he starts laughing after and his hands get all jerky and stuff, he will hollow you out like you're a screaming watermelon made of meat.

This, minus the teeth and plus the hemmoraging

~~~~~

Shit That's True.

If you say "I seen" or "youse guys," and you're not kidding, then you're a fucking idiot.

It does not matter how many times you forward an email or click 'like,' because that kid in that picture in that hospital with tubes coming out of its nose is probably photo-shopped and isn't even dying of anything, and if it was dying of something, emails and likes probably wouldn't cure it. But thank you for passing it on, thus alerting me to the fact that I don't ever want you to be near me, you phenomenal moron.

Dogs don't give a shit when it's their birthday.

High as fuck.

You know that music you like? The stuff that literally no one else you know has ever even heard of? And mostly it's some bitch whining and then doing something weird like rapping, but backwards and in Spanish and while crying? And you have to go to some dank, lonely back corner of an independent music store to find it? And the only three people who ever go back there are you, some emo twerp and the dude who vaccuums the store once a month but instead of vaccuuming just jerks off onto Miley Cyrus CDs? And you don't even really like it, but you think it makes you cool because you like something that no one else likes? You can go ahead and never send me links to Youtube videos of that shit ever again.

Wearing deodorant does not hurt.

Ed Hardy won't ever be cool again.

Thanks a lot, cockface.

Telling me about how awesome the Beatles were won't change my mind. I will not suddenly go "Holy shit! You're right! I didn't see it before, but now that you've said 'the Beatles were awesome' at least seventeen times, I suddenly get it! How could I have not realized this before??? Now I think they were super duper!"

Same goes for Seinfeld. Seriously -- me not liking the things you like doesn't make the things you like die.

If this guy is ever a guest star on any crime drama, then he's the guy who did it:

And if this guy's ever the star of a show (See: Criminal Minds, Dead Like Me, Chicago Hope) don't fucking bother getting attached:

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'm on your TV show. Prepare for me to be a bitch and leave.

Tom Cruise is three and a half feet tall.

Psychics do not exist.

Seals probably don't even feel it when you club them.

I'm Tired But Not Really and TV is Being Stupid

WARNING: I didn't get much sleep last night but I'm not tired and I'm maybe crazy now so if nothing I type here makes sense, go fuck yourself because I don't care what you think.

This is about things I saw on TV today and how stupid they were.

Stupid Thing on TV #1: Life insurance commercial. "If you don't want your loved ones to be burdened by the cost of planting your dead ass in the ground, blah blah blah as little as 7 cents a day, blah blah blargle schmargle fuck kaplooey buy our life insurance you don't have to have a medical or get even one finger put up your bum by a doctor."


Dear My Loved Ones,

Please do not burden yourself by planting my dead ass in the ground. Go ahead and torch me and put my ashes in a little urn or tin or coffee cup or whatever. I won't care, because of how dead I'll be. This will enable me to save as little as 7 cents a day on a stupid life insurance policy that I don't want and even if I did want one, I'd get the one where a doctor put a finger up my bum.


Stupid Thing on TV #2: Sarah McLachlan singing about dead dogs or something.


Dear Sarah McLachlin,

Every time I see you singing about dead dogs or something, I use a black Sharpie to make a little line on a picture of you. Once the picture of you is completely covered in lines, I'm going to go out and kick one puppy for every line. Please shut the fuck up forever.


Stupid Thing on TV #3: Eggie, I think it's called. It's a little round thing that you boil eggs in, because apparently that's too fucking hard for people now.


Dear People Who Buy the Eggie (if that is, in fact, what it's called),

Please die before you have a chance to breed.


Stupid Thing on TV #4: Some message that said I had to press the "Select" button to make my TV go.


Dear TV,

I already pressed one button to make you be on. I should not have to press another button to make you go. Don't be so fucking lazy, TV.


Stupid Thing on TV #5: For a dollar a day, I can feed a kid.


Dear Commercial About That Kid-Thing,

I go to the cheap-ass grocery store that never gets cleaned and where they don't have bags so you have to put your groceries in old banana boxes that probably have Black Widow Spiders in them, but it still costs me waaaaaaaay more than a dollar. Can you tell me which grocery store you shop at so I can go there instead?

Because Why Not

Because I felt like it.

No, not really.

Why U no fuck off and die?

More likely than not.

No thanks.  I'm good.

Whatever.  The fuck.  I want to.

I might be dumb, but at least I'm happy.

I'm sorry -- are you getting exasperated?  Perhaps you should bugger off, then.

I don't..........care.

That it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Actually, it still seems like a good idea.  If given the chance, knowing what I know now, I am certain I would go back in time and do it the fuck again.  Twice.

Church.

Fuck no.

Your mom.

I don't see how that's relevant.







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