Observations From the Newsroom

Even people who think cats are evil aliens sent to study us for future invasion (me) go "awwww! Poor wittle fing!" when someone finds a cat starving in a box mailed from China.

Facebook is not a news source. Not, it's not. SCREW OFF IT IS NOT. The only acceptable news-Facebook relationship is the procurement of photos of murder victims where they are seen wearing a stupid hat/drinking at a cottage/holding a puppy. (There are pictures of me on Facebook doing all these things, FYI, so you all know what to do when my death-metal-loving neighbour finally snaps and sacrifices me to The Dark Lord.)

I don't care if I say the murder's name wrong. He's a MURDERER. I'd rather focus my attention on getting the names of the victims right.

Also, the guy in Guam who holds the world record for longest middle toenail on a left foot won't be offended if I say HIS name wrong, because HE WON'T EFFING HEAR ME.

Perez Hilton is not a news source. For anything. Ever. Even if he's RIGHT and he has confirmed EVERY SINGLE THING ON HIS SHITTY WEBSITE, he is STILL NOT A NEWS SOURCE.

No matter what happens, no matter what newsroom you work in or what city that newsroom may be in, you should NEVER EVER EVER ANSWER THE PHONE. I'm not kidding. No one smart is ever going to call you. Ignore the ringing until one of your co-workers answers it.

Whatever that thing is your computer just did is something it's not supposed to do.

"Canada Day" is deceptively hard to say.

So is "No, I cannot work this weekend."

And "Hunt Club Road," if you're not really REALLY careful. (Thiiiiink about it.........that's right.)

There is an inappropriate yet hysterically funny joke about anything bad that could ever happen to anyone.

The day that you pack a full lunch is the day that Dairy Queen will send in free Blizzards.

You're not stoned. There really IS a pony downstairs.

~~~

Pyjama Pants Are NOT Outside-Clothes

You know what sucks? Moving. You know what sucks more? Moving into a neighbourhood and finding out it's crawling with a wide variety of douchebags. The following are some things to look out for that might save you from settling into a new habitat surrounded by people who never use the word 'job' without saying 'blow' before it.

1. When you are considering a new neighbourhood, call the police. Ask them if they get many calls to said neighbourhood. If the officer you're talking to starts to cry or mumble insane questions like "why is that lady doing that to that dog?" then you don't want to move there.

2. Get in your car. Drive to said neighbourhood in the middle of the day. Park. Sit there for several hours. If you see:

a) more than three people over the age of 10 walking around while wearing pyjama pants

b) more than two people riding bicycles while smoking

c) a guy wearing a Bill Cosby sweater in July sitting on a step of a random building drinking out of a paper bag, or

d) a sex shop where the only people going in are people no one on EARTH would ever even CONSIDER having sex with even if there was nuclear war and only a few people were left and they had to re-produce to keep humanity from dying out and the lizard-people from taking over and enslaving the few humans left as grub-farmers to feed their wacky lizard-people grub addiction

then you don't want to move there.

(if you see all of the above, go home, douse yourself in bleach, and get yourself checked for STDs.)

3. Does the neighbourhood have some decent stores and restaurants with one lone dollar store displaying sunglasses with rainbow-y lenses and purses made of cherry-printed plastic? Yeah, that's a front for something. Don't move there.

4. Do you see any man anywhere in the area wearing pants with flames on them? That's not a good sign.

5. Does the #14 OC Transpo bus go through the neighbourhood? Also not a promising sign.

6. How many people do you see with cellphones similar to those used in the X-Files? Sure, for that time, they were incredibly technologically advanced. So was MS-DOS. And Scully's suits had shoulder pads. And David Duchovny wasn't having sex with everything yet. Never trust or live near mass amounts of people who use cellphones older than Justin Bieber.

7. Is the apartment in Vanier? Then don't

~

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, as written by an old-timey poet.

Hark, hear this, my tale now

of my life

and how it improved out of great strife.

I will tell you, in four stanzas

as you sit there

of events that led to my crowning

as the Prince of Bel-Air.

The west of Philadelphia

is where I was reared.

Out in the play yard with my good chums,

My mom nowhere near.

Running and playing

and laughing, Oh ho!

Frolicking with a net and ball

near my small home.

When some ruffians came

spoiling for a fight,

said bad words, threw their fists, it wasn't right.
I was drawn into their ways, my mother was scared,

and sent me to live with family I barely knew in Bel-Air.

I waited for the carriage,

and as it drew near

I dreaded starting fresh,

I wanted to stay here.

But if anything, I knew this opportunity was rare,

So aboard the carriage I climbed

and headed for Bel-Air.

We arrived at the manor

shortly after eight.

I tipped the carriage driver, and he continued on his way.

I took in the expanse, approached the door with great care,

Not knowing I would soon be crowned the Prince of Bel-Air.

Punchable Offences: The Human Interaction Edition

As I laid out in the previous post, we're taking a look over the next little while at things you should be allowed to punch people for, no questions asked. Now that we have the Punchable Offences of Facebook out of the way, let's tackle the thing we did before we had Facebook: Human Interaction.

Human interaction is when you see someone in person and talk to them aloud with words. It's like Facebook, only with fewer spelling mistakes, 100% fewer photos that you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror, and more things that make you want to punch people in the head.

1. This Conversation is Not About You. Lars: "I was in a car wreck last night. I was hit head-on by a Mack truck and both my arms are broken and my left eyeball fell out and one of the paramedics stepped on it. I will have to wear an eye patch for the rest of my life." Hilda: "I saw a car wreck once. I'm still traumatized by it. My dad drives a Mack truck. Did you see how toned the muscles on my arms are? I've been doing a lot of push-ups. I met a paramedic once, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. One time, I dressed up like a sexy pirate for Hallowe'en, and I wore a diamond-studded eye patch." Punch that bitch in the face. Although, that will just give her ANOTHER story to tell the next time someone brings up being punched in the face. In which case, you can punch her in the face again. It's a vicious cycle, but it's the law.

2. ON MY GOD MY LIFE SUCKS SO HARD ALL OF THE TIME. No, it doesn't. Do you live indoors? Do you have at least five days worth of clothes? Did you eat something today that wasn't flies? Then your life doesn't suck. Oh, wait -- your boss won't let you leave work early to get a manicure? Your mean old landlord expects you to pay the rent on time? THAT GUY WORKING AT THE COFFEE SHOP TOTALLY IGNORED YOU AND YOUR BRAND NEW 'FRESH SPRING PEACH' LIPGLOSS YOU GOT JUST FOR HIM TO SEE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PUT OUT A SMALL FIRE ON THE PANINI-SQUASHING GRILL???? You're right - your life sucks. I'm going to go call Amnesty International RIGHT NOW. Kidding. PUNCH.

3. Giggling. Are you a girl under the age of 10? No? THEN DON'T FUCKING GIGGLE, or I will punch the giddiness right out of your head.

4. I am so totally fat/ugly/stupid and that is why no one likes me. Yeah, probably. And they like you less because you're always talking about it. Here is a punch for your fat/ugly/stupid face.

5. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET EVERYONE TO LOOK AT ME????? Apparently, you have to scream, laugh too loud, yell at people you recognize when they're still a thousand yards away, scream some more, throw a few squeals in for good measure, come up with retarded nicknames for people that you holler as loud as possible every time they are in the same area code as you are, barge into any conversation that happens anywhere near you, repeatedly reference inside jokes that are so inside only you understand them, and touch everyone at least three times every 10 minutes. SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR PUNCH LIKE A MAN.

6. The Girl With the Far Away Eyes. This is the human interaction equivalent of the "I'm So Sad, Ask Me Why" Facebook status. It starts with a sigh. Then a slight tilt of the head to the left or right, followed by usually another tiny, sad sigh. Glassy eyes are frequently involved. Often, some idiot who doesn't understand that THIS IS A TRAP, will ask "what's wrong?" "Oh, nothing." Good. Then shut the fuck up and stop sitting there like everyone and everything you have ever loved was just pushed into a cement mixer full of knives.

7. Talking over people. No clever title for this one. No funny examples. I just REALLY fucking hate this. A lot. I firmly believe people who do this frequently truly do not give a shit about anything anyone but them has to say. Unfortunately, the people who tend to do this are usually the least interesting, least intelligent bags of dicks I have ever met. I might actually start punching people for this one, come to think of it.

Punchable Offences: The Facebook Edition

This is the first in a continuing series of behaviours and actions that you should be allowed to punch people for. Full-on, knuckles to the teeth, nosebleed-inducing punches.

Today, we will delve into the world of Facebook -- a world filled to the brim with Punchable Offences. Without further delay..........

1. Any status update that is meant to garner attention along the lines of "Oh no! What's wrong? Why are you so saaaaaaaad?" Are you sad because your 19th step-cousin three-times removed that you met once when you were 9-years-old got hit by a meteor while reading a calculus text book while laying in a grassy field in Guam? Then type that. Do not type "Gomer feels like the rug has been ripped out from under his feet. Why OH WHY does God have to tear you out of my life??? WHYYYYYYYY???????" I will punch you in your face.

2. Posting photos that you have decorated with swirly, misspelled text to show the world how much fun "u and ur gurls" had at the bar. Or how you and your backwards-hat-wearing brown-toothed true love that you met last week will be "2gethr 4evr." Or how even though you're all by yourself in a photo you obviously took of your own reflection in the bathroom mirror because you are a giant fucking LOSER, you're still "2 good 4 all you h8rs." Aaaaaaaaand.....PUNCH.

3. Status updates that consist of 135 hearts you made by using "<" and "3" because you are so CLEVER and SMART and everyone will wonder HOW YOU DID THAT. Hey, asshole -- we all know how to do that. We just don't. Because we don't want to get punched in the face.

4. Posting lists of questions you want your friends to answer so you can learn all about them. Lists which are nothing but thinly-disguised self-indulgent attempts to force everyone you know to learn about HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU'VE KISSED! or how YOU SKINNY-DIPPED THIS ONE TIME! or how you REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THE RED M&Ms BECAUSE THE FIRST BOY YOU EVER DID LOVE REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED THE RED M&Ms TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mega-Punch.

5. Fish-face photos. Just please stop doing that. Please. I will punch your lips right back into their proper position if you don't.

6. Re-posting the same status update over and over and over again because no one responded to it the first time, which means they probably didn't see it, so I'll just post it again and again until they do and reply to me because what I am posting is so very important. No, shitbrick-- it's not. It's not important, it's not interesting, and no one has responded to it because they don't give a shit about what you have to say. PUNCH.

7. Your/you're/there/they're/their/we're/were/punch/punch/punch/punch/PUNCH.

8. Lame and obvious attempts to make a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband realize what a HORRIBLE MISTAKE they made letting you go. "Brunhilda is livin' life HER way and don't need you no more -- oh yeah, you coulda had this, muthafukka!" The only thing this tells people is that the poor bastard should have left you sooner. Boom-shaka-laka-PUNCH.

9. Go over every single photo you have ever posted of yourself. Make a chart: Column One is photos someone else took of you. Column Two is photos where your forearm is clearly visible because you took the photo yourself. Put check marks in each column until you have gone through every single photo. If there are more photos in Column Two than there are in Column One, you will be punched. And I will take a photo of it.

Glistening Chunks of Slush: An Ode to OC Transpo in the Winter

Oh, the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus...

Wads of dirty, filthy scum,

falling off the shoes of a bum.

See those glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus?

I'd rather look at those

than the twitchy, cracked-out hos.

Watch the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus

as they melt and drip and pool

along the aisles like hobo drool.

Will the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus

be cleaned away some day?

Perhaps. Sometime in May.

Oh, the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus.....

the colour of the long ear hair

of that weird guy over there.

Stupid glistening chunks of slush.

Stupid OC Transpo bus.

I wouldn't be here with you jerks

if I could afford to park at work.

A Few Things I've Noticed Over the Last 30 Years

Atheists don't get mad if you tell them there IS a god.

I have never seen news footage of PETA protesting leather clothing while standing outside of a biker bar.

I've never heard a gay person say "gross!" when they see a hetero couple kiss.

People who throw fits over the phrase "Happy Holidays" don't throw fits when wrestlers use Bible passages to market themselves. See: Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I checked, and there is no rule in the English language that states putting a "c" or a "k" after an "s" magically switches the letters around. "Escape." "Ask." "Retard."

If you see someone smoking, it is acceptable to tell them they are killing themselves. If you see someone cramming greasy burgers down their throat, it is not. (These are things I've NOTICED, not things I UNDERSTAND.)

If pictures on Facebook are a reflection of reality, 95% of women under the age of 30 are always making a sexy-kissy face.

People who spit while they are outdoors do not spit while they are indoors.




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