Punchable Offences: The Human Interaction Edition

As I laid out in the previous post, we're taking a look over the next little while at things you should be allowed to punch people for, no questions asked. Now that we have the Punchable Offences of Facebook out of the way, let's tackle the thing we did before we had Facebook: Human Interaction.

Human interaction is when you see someone in person and talk to them aloud with words. It's like Facebook, only with fewer spelling mistakes, 100% fewer photos that you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror, and more things that make you want to punch people in the head.

1. This Conversation is Not About You. Lars: "I was in a car wreck last night. I was hit head-on by a Mack truck and both my arms are broken and my left eyeball fell out and one of the paramedics stepped on it. I will have to wear an eye patch for the rest of my life." Hilda: "I saw a car wreck once. I'm still traumatized by it. My dad drives a Mack truck. Did you see how toned the muscles on my arms are? I've been doing a lot of push-ups. I met a paramedic once, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. One time, I dressed up like a sexy pirate for Hallowe'en, and I wore a diamond-studded eye patch." Punch that bitch in the face. Although, that will just give her ANOTHER story to tell the next time someone brings up being punched in the face. In which case, you can punch her in the face again. It's a vicious cycle, but it's the law.

2. ON MY GOD MY LIFE SUCKS SO HARD ALL OF THE TIME. No, it doesn't. Do you live indoors? Do you have at least five days worth of clothes? Did you eat something today that wasn't flies? Then your life doesn't suck. Oh, wait -- your boss won't let you leave work early to get a manicure? Your mean old landlord expects you to pay the rent on time? THAT GUY WORKING AT THE COFFEE SHOP TOTALLY IGNORED YOU AND YOUR BRAND NEW 'FRESH SPRING PEACH' LIPGLOSS YOU GOT JUST FOR HIM TO SEE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PUT OUT A SMALL FIRE ON THE PANINI-SQUASHING GRILL???? You're right - your life sucks. I'm going to go call Amnesty International RIGHT NOW. Kidding. PUNCH.

3. Giggling. Are you a girl under the age of 10? No? THEN DON'T FUCKING GIGGLE, or I will punch the giddiness right out of your head.

4. I am so totally fat/ugly/stupid and that is why no one likes me. Yeah, probably. And they like you less because you're always talking about it. Here is a punch for your fat/ugly/stupid face.

5. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET EVERYONE TO LOOK AT ME????? Apparently, you have to scream, laugh too loud, yell at people you recognize when they're still a thousand yards away, scream some more, throw a few squeals in for good measure, come up with retarded nicknames for people that you holler as loud as possible every time they are in the same area code as you are, barge into any conversation that happens anywhere near you, repeatedly reference inside jokes that are so inside only you understand them, and touch everyone at least three times every 10 minutes. SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR PUNCH LIKE A MAN.

6. The Girl With the Far Away Eyes. This is the human interaction equivalent of the "I'm So Sad, Ask Me Why" Facebook status. It starts with a sigh. Then a slight tilt of the head to the left or right, followed by usually another tiny, sad sigh. Glassy eyes are frequently involved. Often, some idiot who doesn't understand that THIS IS A TRAP, will ask "what's wrong?" "Oh, nothing." Good. Then shut the fuck up and stop sitting there like everyone and everything you have ever loved was just pushed into a cement mixer full of knives.

7. Talking over people. No clever title for this one. No funny examples. I just REALLY fucking hate this. A lot. I firmly believe people who do this frequently truly do not give a shit about anything anyone but them has to say. Unfortunately, the people who tend to do this are usually the least interesting, least intelligent bags of dicks I have ever met. I might actually start punching people for this one, come to think of it.

Punchable Offences: The Facebook Edition

This is the first in a continuing series of behaviours and actions that you should be allowed to punch people for. Full-on, knuckles to the teeth, nosebleed-inducing punches.

Today, we will delve into the world of Facebook -- a world filled to the brim with Punchable Offences. Without further delay..........

1. Any status update that is meant to garner attention along the lines of "Oh no! What's wrong? Why are you so saaaaaaaad?" Are you sad because your 19th step-cousin three-times removed that you met once when you were 9-years-old got hit by a meteor while reading a calculus text book while laying in a grassy field in Guam? Then type that. Do not type "Gomer feels like the rug has been ripped out from under his feet. Why OH WHY does God have to tear you out of my life??? WHYYYYYYYY???????" I will punch you in your face.

2. Posting photos that you have decorated with swirly, misspelled text to show the world how much fun "u and ur gurls" had at the bar. Or how you and your backwards-hat-wearing brown-toothed true love that you met last week will be "2gethr 4evr." Or how even though you're all by yourself in a photo you obviously took of your own reflection in the bathroom mirror because you are a giant fucking LOSER, you're still "2 good 4 all you h8rs." Aaaaaaaaand.....PUNCH.

3. Status updates that consist of 135 hearts you made by using "<" and "3" because you are so CLEVER and SMART and everyone will wonder HOW YOU DID THAT. Hey, asshole -- we all know how to do that. We just don't. Because we don't want to get punched in the face.

4. Posting lists of questions you want your friends to answer so you can learn all about them. Lists which are nothing but thinly-disguised self-indulgent attempts to force everyone you know to learn about HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU'VE KISSED! or how YOU SKINNY-DIPPED THIS ONE TIME! or how you REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE THE RED M&Ms BECAUSE THE FIRST BOY YOU EVER DID LOVE REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED THE RED M&Ms TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mega-Punch.

5. Fish-face photos. Just please stop doing that. Please. I will punch your lips right back into their proper position if you don't.

6. Re-posting the same status update over and over and over again because no one responded to it the first time, which means they probably didn't see it, so I'll just post it again and again until they do and reply to me because what I am posting is so very important. No, shitbrick-- it's not. It's not important, it's not interesting, and no one has responded to it because they don't give a shit about what you have to say. PUNCH.

7. Your/you're/there/they're/their/we're/were/punch/punch/punch/punch/PUNCH.

8. Lame and obvious attempts to make a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband realize what a HORRIBLE MISTAKE they made letting you go. "Brunhilda is livin' life HER way and don't need you no more -- oh yeah, you coulda had this, muthafukka!" The only thing this tells people is that the poor bastard should have left you sooner. Boom-shaka-laka-PUNCH.

9. Go over every single photo you have ever posted of yourself. Make a chart: Column One is photos someone else took of you. Column Two is photos where your forearm is clearly visible because you took the photo yourself. Put check marks in each column until you have gone through every single photo. If there are more photos in Column Two than there are in Column One, you will be punched. And I will take a photo of it.

Glistening Chunks of Slush: An Ode to OC Transpo in the Winter

Oh, the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus...

Wads of dirty, filthy scum,

falling off the shoes of a bum.

See those glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus?

I'd rather look at those

than the twitchy, cracked-out hos.

Watch the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus

as they melt and drip and pool

along the aisles like hobo drool.

Will the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus

be cleaned away some day?

Perhaps. Sometime in May.

Oh, the glistening chunks of slush

on the OC Transpo bus.....

the colour of the long ear hair

of that weird guy over there.

Stupid glistening chunks of slush.

Stupid OC Transpo bus.

I wouldn't be here with you jerks

if I could afford to park at work.

A Few Things I've Noticed Over the Last 30 Years

Atheists don't get mad if you tell them there IS a god.

I have never seen news footage of PETA protesting leather clothing while standing outside of a biker bar.

I've never heard a gay person say "gross!" when they see a hetero couple kiss.

People who throw fits over the phrase "Happy Holidays" don't throw fits when wrestlers use Bible passages to market themselves. See: Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I checked, and there is no rule in the English language that states putting a "c" or a "k" after an "s" magically switches the letters around. "Escape." "Ask." "Retard."

If you see someone smoking, it is acceptable to tell them they are killing themselves. If you see someone cramming greasy burgers down their throat, it is not. (These are things I've NOTICED, not things I UNDERSTAND.)

If pictures on Facebook are a reflection of reality, 95% of women under the age of 30 are always making a sexy-kissy face.

People who spit while they are outdoors do not spit while they are indoors.




*

Random Schmandom.

Cockward (noun, CAWK-wurd): Awkward feeling associated with a man's crotchal-region. Example: "I got busted checking out this other dude's package in the men's room. It was a very cockward situation.)



What does it say about this world that reporters are forced to write and news anchors are forced to read stories reminding people of the following things:

1) You should wash your hands after you pee
2) You should turn the lawnmower/snowblower off before you stick your hand in it to pull something out
3) Ice is a bad thing to ride your snowmobile on, unless you live in Nunavut or want your smooshy corpse found barely contained in your snowmobile suit by drunk fishermen next July



Canada is the plain girl. The U.S. is our hot friend. The guys (terrorists) aren't interested in sleeping with us (blowing us up.) They just hang out with us (hide in Canada) so they can get to (blow the shit out of) our hot friend.



Canada is also the weird, probably-'tarded kid on the playground. No one really wants to hang out with us because we eat squeeze-cheese sandwiches and smell like wet socks, but if you beat us up, the whole world will think you're a total tool.

Hilarious and Insightful Blog Post About Something

Witty opening line, just off-kilter enough to grab your attention.

Slightly more detailed explanation, followed by disclaimer about how, regardless of what I type afterward, I'm not judging anyone who believes differently than I do (even though, let's face it, I am.)

Silly anecdote about what prompted me to write this post, likely referencing a friend/co-worker/smelly fellow bus passenger.

Paragraph containing comments and observations written with humour and light-hearted teasing, used to disguise (thinly) my distaste and reproach for subject matter.

Ha ha ha I'm so funny aren't I witty? don't you just hate it when blah blah blah blah blah.

Slightly more sensitive comment about the serious problems faced by poor people/cute little animals/something else that's lame.

The word 'fuck' a bunch of times, interspersed with words that aren't 'fuck' so I don't sound like a complete jackoff.

Summary of my point/argument/spazz-fest, which is hilarious but also almost reveals that I'm actually upset/sad/care about something.

Just kidding. Everyone can blow me.

Barf, Swallow and Repeat

I did the unthinkable today. I uttered words I never thought I would ever utter. I had to force myself to say them, and then I barfed a little in my mouth, then swallowed my barf then barfed up it up again, plus a little bit more. Six words which, on their own, are completely harmless, but when combined caused the very fabric of my existence to disintegrate. Six words I have never said or even thought before today. Six words which, when I type them in just a few moments, will likely make me do the whole barf-swallow-and repeat thing again.

"I wish I had a boyfriend."

Barf. Swallow. And repeat.

I said those words to a very good friend of mine, who belongs to the unfortunate set of ears into which I unload everything that's ever bothered me EVER. He's either a very patient man, or he's just biding his time until he comes up with the perfect way to murder me without getting caught. He's a good sounding board, because he's the most honest person I know and always tells me what I should hear, whether I want to hear it or not. In fact, I often know as I'm asking him a question that the answer will piss me off, yet I ask anyway because I know he's only going to say what he's going to say because he knows it will be good for me to hear it. Also, he can move pretty quickly, so if I ever try to take a swing at him, he knows damn well he'll get out of the way in time.

So I said the "Sickening Six" words today, and he almost immediately had advice. That advice was Internet dating. Aaaaaaaaaaaand.....barf-swallow-and repeat. No, I said. Weirdos, I said. I need to actually see someone IN PERSON to know if I'm interested, I said. Give it a chance, he said. There are good ones on there, he said. Barf-swallow-barf, I said.

Sitting at home now, and just closed the Internet window on which I had been perusing a local dating site. I pretty much do everything my friend tells me to, because he's usually right. Usually. You were not right this time, good friend. One check-mark in the loss column for you. Your winning streak is over.

I have learned three very important things from the half hour I spent on that website.

1) Knot vary meny peeple r gud spellerz anee-more

2) A lot of men who shouldn't have mustaches DO

3) Men who are bald on the head can still have an awful lot of hair on their shoulders

I have also learned that at least three people on Earth still say they like "long walks on the beach" (barf-swallow-and repeat), a lot of men have been burned (or, in one case, 'berned') by women in the past, and anyone can cut and paste a picture of a sexy fireman into their profile, even if they are not, in fact, a sexy fireman.

Listen, I know there are good people to be found on the Intertubes. I have friends who have found them. Unfortunately for the rest of us, they found them all and now there are only bahd-speling, inappropriately-mustached, bald-yet-hairy-shouldered ones left. To those friends of mine, I say "Good for you. Now go clone your men, invent a way to make them age quickly to about 30 or so, slow their development down to normal levels, give me one, and I will name a building after you."

To my friend who is forced to listen to my rantings and ravings and whinings and bitchings and mopings and irrational gibberish, yet continues to be my friend for some reason I have yet to figure out, I say "You have until tomorrow to come up with a way to get me a boyfriend. You might by spry now, but someday you won't be as quick as you are, and I will be able to get a few punches in before you can get away."